Bar Mitzva Boy Allowed To Manipulate Stock Market For A Day

Elders of Zion Inner Council Chairman Maury Geltman wanted something more for his grandson to mark the boy’s coming of age.

New York, November 19 – Visiting dignitaries and other special guests are given the honor of ringing the opening bell to kick off trading at the New York Stock Exchange, but international financier and Elders of Zion Inner Council Chairman Maury Geltman wanted something more for his grandson to mark the boy’s coming of age: to celebrate his bar mitzva, Josh Geltman was given the reins of the New York Stock Exchange Wednesday, affording him a chance to manipulate the world’s largest stock exchange and inaugurate his participation in the shadowy Jewish collective that pulls the strings in the world’s financial markets, banking, media, entertainment, and economies.

The younger Geltman, who turned thirteen on Monday, sat at a console in a concealed sub-basement of the NYSE building in Lower Manhattan most of the day, taking breaks only to visit the bathroom and to exchange text messages with several friends. His father, Barry, an overseer of Inner Council policy implementation for international finance, spent most of the time in an adjacent room, receiving input from a team of analysts and monitoring Josh’s performance in case he needed to step in to lend a more experienced hand.

He did not have to. Barry glowed with pride as the buzzer sounded to call and end to the day on the trading floor seven levels up, yelling to anyone who would listen that Josh hadn’t dropped the ball even once. “The kid’s a natural!” he beamed, accepting congratulations, high fives, handshakes, and slaps on the back from colleagues and employees alike. As Josh removed his headset and deactivated the hardware, he grinned and calmly walked out to greet his father. The two held a long embrace as the senior Geltman, Maury, looked from his son to his grandson and pronounced, “Well, it looks like somebody takes after his dad.”

The three generations of Geltmans adjourned to an early, festive dinner at an exclusive restaurant, while others stayed behind to communicate with operatives at other exchanges around the world and compare notes. With a relatively uneventful day on that front, however, Geltman’s colleagues were able to devote long stretches of time to analyzing Josh’s performance.

“I knew he came from good stock, so to speak, but I’m impressed,” said Sarah Zogby, who handles currency manipulation. “Even when things got hairy, Josh handled it with aplomb. There was a moment in the early afternoon when someone was trying to dump a block of ExxonMobil shares that would have negated a week’s worth of the Elders’ profit, but he squashed it immediately.”

“He didn’t just squash it,” interjected former Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, who had dropped by to check on the proceedings. “He hit that one out of the park. I bet that trader will never figure out what happened. One moment he’s unloading ten thousand shares, and the next thing you know his display is stuck on old horse races and he can’t communicate with the server.” Selig shook his head. “I’m telling you, it must be in the kid’s blood. There’s no way I could handle all the variables at once even in my prime.”

Trading on the exchange ended with a rise of more than 1% in the Dow Jones Industrial Average, within four hundredths of a percent of the target the Council had set the night before. Before leaving for dinner, Maury said he hoped to see Josh repeat his feat, but first the boy would be taking on a series of smaller, but no less important, series of tasks aimed at dumbing down American TV audiences with the aim of scamming them out of their life savings.