BDS Advocate Has Already Won Like 6 Arguments In His Head During Shower

Actual humans do not make the same straw-man contentions as his mental interlocutors.

New York, March 28 – A college student who spends time haranguing administrators, faculty, and fellow students to support divestment from Israel and boycott of the Israeli economy has already emerged victorious in half-a-dozen verbal exchanges with advocates for Israel taking place in his head as he showers, cerebral sources report.

Ayyaf Nobolz, 19, a sociology major at New York University, has conducted six arguments with defenders of Israel inside his head for the last four minutes, each time arriving at a satisfying rebuttal of his opponents’ positions, such that any fence-sitters observing the exchanges would certainly have wound up siding with the BDS view. The sources also reported that in the background, a sense of frustration and failure waits to pounce once Mr. Nobolz realizes that actual humans do not make the same straw-man contentions as his mental interlocutors.

In his head, Nobolz sees himself besting a Zionist by making facile analogies to Apartheid-era South Africa and to 1930’s and 40’s Nazi Germany, and his Zionist opponent wilting before the force of such rhetoric. Separately, he envisions himself satisfying all challengers by arguing that the reason BDS focuses only on Israel and not on any of the many other, worse human-rights-violators because they have to start somewhere, and that any attempt to call attention to atrocities elsewhere is mere “whataboutery” and an attempt to distract from Israel’s crimes against humanity.

Analysts predict that Nobolz will soon become aware that his effort to develop a sound argument will fail, since in essence his movement relies on emotion, not reason. “What we have here is a vain attempt to justify something through logic that has no basis in logic,” explained Falla See, a commentator for MSNBC. “People do it all the time, deciding what they decide and then trying to find evidence or support for it – but it’s much more pronounced in anti-Israel activity, since the entire enterprise is predicated on ignoring large bodies of pertinent fact.”

“So of course what’s going to happen here is that our subject will in all likelihood not resort to any of the arguments he has formulated during his shower,” she continued.  “Which is to be expected, since actual reasoned arguments aren’t the modus operandi of BDS anyway.  They’re more comfortable with bullying, shouting down, threatening violence, and other tactics reminiscent of fascism. But this is obviously bothering our subject that it’s distracting him from showering properly. I note he was so preoccupied he forgot to wash his crotch.”

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