Damascus, December 13 – Activists in the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions movement targeting Israel for its alleged human rights violations against Palestinians have set up a station to watch the average kinetic energy of Hell in case it approached freezing, so they may receive advance warning in case they are called upon to oppose the policies of far worse civil rights violators than Israel.
If Hell indeed freezes over, the BDS movement will be faced with the dilemma of finding other targets for their efforts. Until that point the BDS approach will remain focused on Israel despite the more urgent and more horrific systematic treatment occurring in Sudan, Syria, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Egypt, Algeria, Mali, Nigeria, China, Somalia, Kenya, Libya, and elsewhere.
“We’ve operated for a long time under the assumption that we will demonstrate the consistency of this movement’s morality when the right circumstances exist,” explained Omar Barghouti, a BDS activist so morally consistent with his cause that he studies at Tel Aviv University. “Those circumstances are expected to appear when the temperature of the underworld falls below zero degrees centigrade and remains so long enough for water molecules to form ice.” As of this evening (Saturday) that was not the case, freeing the BDS movement to continue focusing its energies on Israel.
Opponents of Syria’s Assad regime expressed disappointment. “We thought, given the unprecedented alignment of interests between Israel and surrounding countries in fighting Islamist movements, combined with Israel selling gas to Egypt and Jordan, plus the continued movement of wounded Syrians into Israeli hospitals for treatment, that Hell was in fact freezing over as we speak, which would mean the BDS activists would begin protesting the Syrian government’s behavior and call for economic, academic, and political pressure on Assad,” said Wadda Lodov-Biyess of the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights. “Unfortunately, the temperature in Hades has remained as high as ever, so that’s frustrating.”
Activists opposing regimes far more brutal and destructive than Israel have conducted their own monitoring efforts to determine the prospects of BDS focusing on their plight instead of, or at least in addition to, Israel. “The BDS people have succeeded in making a lot of noise and gaining attention where our activists have not,” said Free Tibet activist Lasa Layars. “If that sanctimony and righteous indignation could be mustered toward causes that actually deserve the world’s attention, can you imagine the good that would result?”
Layars said a number of his comrades had succumbed to asphyxiation in recent months as a result of holding their breath in anticipation of the BDS activists gaining a sense of moral consistency. “There were signs that things were changing in the world, but that apparently had no bearing on the temperature of Hell.”
BDS activists were approached for comment, but their words were inaudible over the sound of Iran’s leaders laughing all the way to the bank.
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