“I don’t even have a soul and I feel drained after encountering them.”
Tel Aviv, April 28 – The metaphorical monster threatening the conquest and subjugation of the otherwise free people of this society disclosed today that it has undergone a shift in its thinking, whereby the people who have argued in moral, ethical, historical, and other terms for accommodation of the danger the monster poses, rather than in favor of opposing the vicious creature by whatever means possible, have moved from the back of the I-will-devour-them-in-my-insatiable-maw queue to the very front, where the demonic entity can sooner get rid of those exploitable-but-always-expendable-and-now-just-too-damn-annoying-and-self-righteous-to-keep-around-even-one-second-more jerks.
An allegorical beast that represents, depending on one’s political sensibilities, Islamic supremacism, cancel culture, religious coercion, or one of various other invidious societal ills, told reporters today that it has changed its mind: rather than leaving the useful idiots for last and taking advantage of their role in softening resistance to its all-consuming goals, it will instead eat those sanctimonious bastards first because they have become insufferable.
“Oh my God they are intolerable,” growled the monster. “And to think I once thought them almost charming, if in a quaint, naïve way. They are utterly, maddeningly irksome. I cannot believe anyone even listens to them, let alone finds their arguments convincing. Indeed, I was happy to have them operating to reduce opposition to my stated ambition to devour everyone and everything, obviously with them expecting me to devour them last, out of gratitude, or simple utilitarianism, or whatever, but goddamn. What an unbearable bunch of soul-sucking blowhards. I don’t even have a soul and I feel drained after encountering them.”
The useful idiots have argued for some time that the monster, rather than presenting an existential threat to liberty, prosperity, or stability, in fact has more righteousness and justice behind it than does society. To buttress their argument, the useful idiots have invoked moral relativism, exaggerated the society’s faults, drawn moral equivalence between perpetrators and victims, erased ethical boundaries, made bad-faith arguments, spewed logical fallacies, and contended either that people have nothing to fear from the all-devouring entity because it heralds a new era in universal justice, equality, and harmony, or that society deserves whatever destruction and misfortune the beast brings because of society’s collective guilt for events far beyond the control, complicity, or lifetime of any of its constituent members because Critical Race Theory says so.
The beast disclosed that it had reached the decision upon hearing, for the third time in a single day, a useful idiot declare in a fingernails-on-a-chalkboard tone that an ideology that forces women to cover themselves and cede control of the public sphere to men is more liberating to women than anything the West has to offer.
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