Bible Codes Spell Out ‘Trump Has Tiny Hands’

A verse in Deuteronomy that bars a man with severed or crushed genitals from marrying serves as the starting point for a string of letters.

Jerusalem, June 26 – Scholars exploring the Biblical text for clues to current events have discovered an important message embedded in a passage about crushed testicles, to the effect that presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has below-average-size hands for a person of his height.

So-called Bible Code researchers report that a verse in Deuteronomy that bars a man with severed or crushed genitals from marrying serves as the starting point for a string of letters, spaced at regular intervals, that spell out the Hebrew words for “Trump has tiny hands.” The researchers say the likelihood of such a phenomenon occurring by chance is so small as to be statistically impossible.

“We’re confident this demonstrates the validity of the statistical approach to proving the text’s divine origin,” asserted Kleiner Händen, Professor of Biblical Literature at the Hebrew University. “The uncanny ability of the text to anticipate so many of the key elements of this presidential campaign is a never-ending source of wonder.”

Händen claimed that no similar string could be found elsewhere in the text of the Pentateuch, the portion of the Hebrew Bible traditionally attributed to Moses. He did note, however, that a similar string was observed centered on the verse immediately following the one cited above, using “Drumpf,” the original spelling and pronunciation of the real estate mogul’s family name. The verse in question prohibits people of illegitimate birth from marrying those of legitimate birth, using the word “mamzer,” a term often mistranslated in English as “bastard.”

Critics of the Bible Codes premise have yet to address the specific claims of the Trump-related codes. “I have not seen the data or had time to perform an independent analysis,” said Hugh Gottabee-Kitting of the University of Edinburgh, a prominent Bible Codes skeptic. “Suffice it to say, however, that given the checkered history of previous specimens, it would not surprise me to find that this iteration, as well, relies on overstatement, special pleading, anomalous readings, and sundry other questionable methodologies.”

“I should add, though,” he continued, “that in this case, those descriptions fit very well with the Trumpian approach to the economy, immigration, foreign relations, gender issues, gun control, prejudice, and the like, so it’s appropriate.”

Gottabee-Kitting added that even if the occurrence of the sentence, “Trump has tiny hands” appears to be unique in the manner claimed by Händen and his colleagues, he would be reluctant to accept it as proof of much. “If, on the other hand, it called Trump a twit, cockwomble, jizztrumpet, tit, muppet, buttplug-face, mangled apricot hellbeast, numpty, or spoon, I might have to reconsider.”