“Joe wants fudge ripple,” the president announced.
Washington, April 2 – White House officials disclosed today that the president has not committed to a specific policy on the current war in and around the Gaza Strip, because his red lines involve access to Haagen-Dazs or the like, and not, as many analysts have assumed, any particular outcome in the Middle East.
“Vanilla, preferably,” stated National Security Council Communications Adviser John Kirby. “Chocolate is fine, too, and even some berry flavor, in a pinch. The president has even indicated he will consider rum raisin or butter pecan, under certain circumstances. But under no circumstances will he accept mint chocolate chip, because the frozen chocolate chips contribute nothing to the product, and just distract the mouth from the experience.”
Activists and commentators have produced virtual reams of rhetoric parsing the nuances of Joe Biden’s moves – and those of his surrogates – via-à-vis Israel, Hamas, and the Middle East at large, in light of electoral politicking, international alliances, UN Security Council machinations, Chinese imperialism, Russian ambitions, and other staples of the genre. However, the administration made clear Tuesday that the major, if not the only, factor that the president will weigh in approaching any statement or decision on the conflict comes down to whether he gets ice cream.
“Joe wants fudge ripple,” the president announced.
Journalists peppered Kirby with detailed questions Tuesday morning. “Does this mean the president endorses Israeli action in Rafah?” demanded NBC’s correspondent. “What’s his position on allegations of IDF war crimes?” challenged his colleague from CNN. “Is the president coordinating with [Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin] Netanyahu on this?” asked a Fox News reporter.
Kirby held up a hand. “Sometimes he wants sprinkles on top,” he explained. “It can be colored sprinkles or chocolate sprinkles. I believe New Englanders call them Jimmies. They can be the oblong variety or the tiny ball-shaped ones. If colored sprinkles are called for, the president leans toward a mixture of colors rather than, say, all green.”
“Some days, the president might prefer a cup to cone,” he continued. “It’s less convenient than a cone, because it requires one hand to hold the cup and the other to hold the spoon, whereas you can hold a cone in one hand and just bite or lick. The president is more of a biter. But if there’s a gooey topping such as hot fudge sauce, caramel, or strawberry syrup, a cup is the way to go. That much should be clear. Much less chance of dripping and staining.”
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