Blaming Israel For Everything Has Really Helped My Marriage

By Ahmad Al-Hajj

Credit: Jared Preston

Nobody ever said marriage was easy. Even in a male-dominated, patriarchal society such as ours, there is no substitute for a romantic relationship with a woman who chooses to love you despite – or perhaps because of – your shortcomings. And the shortcomings I always blame on Israel, so I don’t have to change, but still have her sympathy and affection. It’s been a lifesaver for this marriage.

I came into this relationship like most people: having my family lobby my wife’s father to agree to the marriage. But marriage, I soon learned, is not a happily-ever-after affair. It requires constant attention to make it work, and I must confess I don’t always – or often – feel capable of that effort. So I just blame Israel for our problems, and I’m a victim, not an agent, so she can’t expect me to do anything about the problems, and she doesn’t press the issue with me anymore.

This approach works well in so many areas. I don’t mean simply deflecting blame for simple mistakes or negligence; those are a no-brainer. I’m talking about the things that really affect our relationship. When my wife complained the I rush our intimate encounters, I explained that the Israeli usurpation of Palestine meant that Arabs are absolute victims, and cannot be required to change in order to tend to their own needs. The world must provide for them until they can supplant Israel. In the meantime, no long-term adjustment to the situation is acceptable, since such moves would imply a willingness to treat the great injustice as anything less than pure evil – and one does not accommodate pure evil. Thus, she cannot expect me, as an Arab, to change my lovemaking habits, since making adjustments would contradict the ethos of demanding that all my desires be met in full, and only at the expense of my opponent. She soon saw the truth in my words, and that realization only brought us closer, because who cannot be moved by her lover’s victimhood?

When she shrank from intimacy in the year after our first child was born, and complained of pain, I explained that even when the actions of Arabs cause pain, and especially to other Arabs, it is not the fault of the one causing the pain, but of Israel. Thus, while Arab states, with the help of UNRWA, keeps millions of descendants of Palestinian refugees stateless, and often bar them from jobs and homes, it is only because Israel has not allowed those descendants back to their ancestors’ homes under terms that would effectively destroy Israel. Granting citizenship or other rights to those Palestinians would discourage them from returning to those homes, and deprive them of that restoration. My lover thus has come to understand that I hurt her out of love, for her own good, and that deepens our relationship.

Myriad other examples illustrate this phenomenon, but I shall leave it to the reader to apply it to his or her intimate relationships, since no two are alike. But I will suggest that, like the Palestinian Authority’s attitude toward agreements with Israel, in a marriage it is better to score rhetorical points and exploit misfortune for a public relations victory than to pursue any approach that requires sacrifice.

Sacrifice is for Jews.