Brave Hamas Fighters Courageously Hiding Among Children

Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, July 12 – In what military experts around the world are calling a bold, gutsy strategy, militants of the Hamas movement in the Gaza Strip are bravely taking the risk of positioning themselves among noncombatants, despite the risk that as a result Israel might not attack them for fear of harming civilians.

Researchers at West Point and the Nikita Khrushchev School of Applied Military History in Moscow both published articles today remarking on the unexpectedly daring move on the part of Hamas and Islamic Jihad fighters, which exposes the fighters to increased risk of annoying questions and ceaseless insipid singing, in addition to the very real chance that they might not be killed or horribly maimed by Israeli strikes.

“Our researchers were, in the main, impressed that Hamas would unequivocally endorse the use of children as human shields in light of the manifest risks involved in keeping those children from annoying the crap out of its fighters,” said Major Richard Hedd, a father of three who stays at work as much as possible. “In addition to being irritated to distraction, having children around when trying to run a military position puts soldiers in danger of living to fight another day when the enemy actually cares about not harming children and other noncombatants, so this represents a bold approach.”

Yevgeniy Buggerov of the Khrushchev School concurred. “We have’t seen such courageous moves since Saddam Hussein in 1991,” he recalled. “You might also remember that Hussein was among the last modern despots to use chemical weapons, so clearly this Hamas strategy puts them in the company of some bold visionaries,” he added, noting that Syrian President Basher Assad should be similarly cited for his daring in such matters.

Where experts are divided, however, is in their assessment of corresponding Israeli moves. “I would like to see more IDF use of similarly bold tactics,” said Buggerov, “but they seem to be far too concerned for actual harm to civilians, which, after all, seems to be the whole source of this round of conflict.”

Whereas Hedd does not see the IDF having any such option. “If Israel were to hide its military assets behind civilians, it wouldn’t make a difference,” he explained. “The Palestinians have continuously demonstrated that they are so brave and moral that they will shoot anything that moves, including their own people.”