Broncos-Patriots Game Apparently Not Only Event In World Yesterday

Rumors included continued fighting in Syria and Iraq, terrorist attacks on Israelis, and something called “ISIL.”

Boston, January 25 – Unconfirmed reports from around the globe appear to indicate that Sunday’s American Football Conference championship game between the teams representing New England and Denver was not the only occurrence of significance yesterday, officials say.

US President Barack Obama told reporters this afternoon (Monday) that he has instructed the various intelligence and diplomatic organs of the government to investigate claims that things happened yesterday other than the conference title game between the two well-matched clubs. At a press conference, he specifically cited rumors of continued fighting in Syria and Iraq, of terrorist attacks on Israelis, and something called “ISIL.”

“I have ordered the National Security Agency, the Central Intelligence Agency, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Defense Intelligence Agency, the diplomatic corps at the State Department, and the National Security Agency, among others, to report whether any of these rumors of alleged events have any validity,” said the president. “We have very specific concerns in this regard. I remain optimistic that nevertheless, this nation will in the meantime remain focused on the fantastic showing by Denver, and whether Peyton Manning can take his team all the way in a last chance for glory.”

Journalists spent the hours following the game – which ended in a 20-18 victory for the Broncos – sifting through their sources to determine whether somewhere in the world, anything happened that was not germane to New England quarterback Tom Brady’s frustrating inability to avoid Denver’s pass rush, or his team’s nonexistent running game. Associated Press reporter Matt Lee posted a query to his Twitter followers at around midnight, Eastern time, as to the possibility of an event that was not part of the longtime Manning-Brady rivalry, or the performance of Rob Gronkowski, the lone consistent bright spot in the Patriots’ inadequate showing at Sports Authority Field.

“Rumors flying that things happened in world 2day other than Gostkowski’s FG miss – anyone with info?” posted Lee, referring to New England place kicker Stephen Gostkowski’s first failed field goal attempt in 524 tries – since his rookie year. Lee told other journalists he has yet to receive any pertinent information, leading to assumptions that in fact, nothing of consequence happened outside Denver, but that some foreign contacts of his had yet to weigh in, so it was still possible something of any importance at all had occurred somewhere on Earth beyond the record 23 times Brady had been knocked down by Denver defenders over the course of the afternoon.

“I did hear there was some sort of other game going on, maybe in, like North Carolina?” said Lee. “Somebody should check that out.”