Cannibals Intrigued By Behavior Of Israeli Right, Left

“We cannibals are seldom as efficient or effective in our practice.”

Tel Aviv, July 2 – Practitioners of the consumption of human flesh have begun taking a keen interest in the behavior of Israel’s main political camps ahead of an anticipated parliamentary election this September, noticing the latter’s increasing tendency to eat their own in campaigns and during the voting itself.

Cannibals expressed newfound curiosity this week regarding Israeli political developments of 2019, chief among them a phenomenon in which neither the Right nor the Left attracts an appreciable number of votes from those who supported the rival camp the last time, instead siphoning them from other parties on the same side.

Representatives of the Kufu Cooperative, a loose affiliation of human flesh aficionados, told reporters Monday that the last several months have seen the group’s membership display unprecedented interest in Israeli politics, in particular the way in which parties and leaders on both sides of the right-left divide end up harming their would-be allies through their campaign efforts more than they harm their counterparts on the other side, at times consuming them entirely.

“Look at what happened to Labor,” noted Kufu member Jakob Kreuzfeld, referring to the April 9 contest. “Polling showed the Blue and White Party leading or tied with Likud, but what many people failed to realize was that those numbers reflected not a migration of right-wing voters to Blue and White, but a cannibalization of Labor and, to a lesser degree, Meretz. My colleagues and I didn’t realize how popular our way of doing things has become in Israel.”

“Same thing on the right,” continued Kreuzfeld “United Right, New Right, Zehut – so many of these parties compete for the same bloc of voters, even competing with Likud, and the result is they tear one another apart in the elections – if not also beforehand as they fight one another for the same voters, each one trying to show how the others aren’t tough enough, religious enough, smart enough, or whatever. They ended up eating up Zehut and the New Right entirely. We cannibals are seldom as efficient or effective in our practice.”

Other members Kufu noted some contrasts between their behavior and Israeli political phenomena. “We’re much more furtive about what we do,” conceded Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a psychiatrist. “Here, Israeli politicians and political parties engage in this behavior out in the open, and that’s an experience with which we’re still unfamiliar. Consider being able to cannibalize others as part of one’s career – I imagine one might choose to accompany it with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

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