“Microorganisms in laboratories never provided their consent to be subject to the vagaries of the petri dish.” Tel Aviv, March 1 – A leading research institute has decided to shutter its pathology and microbiology facilities amid concerns that countless acts ...
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Feed SubscriptionStingy Agency Won’t Offer Lifetime Pension For Killing Palestinians
“The lack of official inducement to kill Palestinians is a little too much to attribute to a bureaucratic oddity.” Jerusalem, February 25 – Israel’s National Insurance Institute does not offer lifetime financial support to those who have killed Palestinians, an investigation ...
Read More »‘Put Down Phone’ Added To Stabbing Victim First Aid Instructions
“1. Contact emergency services. 2. Put down your mobile device*.” Jerusalem, February 21 – Volunteer paramedic organizations in Israel have issued an updated set of guidelines for civilians who wish to provide care to victims in the minutes following a ...
Read More »Palestinian Study: Hebrew Descended From Pig Latin
The pig-oriented linguistic argument fits into a trend in Palestinian and Islamic scholarship at large. Ramallah, February 16 – Linguistic researchers at Bir Zeit University published an article this week in which they argue that Hebrew is not in fact a ...
Read More »Israel Snags Royalty Rights To ‘Protocols’
They will thus gain immensely from the burgeoning sales of the book among those who wish the nation ill. Jerusalem, February 11 – Treasury officials gathered in the Israeli capital today to celebrate the country’s most recent achievement, a secret ...
Read More »Tel Aviv Controllers Of Robot Rubio Pleased With Debate
Rubio’s controllers had an infamous playful moment early last year when they made their robot repeatedly reach for his water during a political speech. Tel Aviv, February 7 – The day following the final debate among the multiple remaining Republican ...
Read More »Haaretz Writer Fails To Hit Weekly Quota Of ‘Fascist’, ‘McCarthyist’
Measures in case of further violations include the removal of Shakran’s access to articles pre-written by left-wing NGOs. Tel Aviv, February 3 – A journalist at Israel’s most prestigious newspaper has been disciplined for not meeting the publisher’s mandated minimum number ...
Read More »Boy Who Stabbed Cites UN Chief: ‘Human Nature To React To Homework’
The boy’s attorney, Zehavi Gal-Un, blamed the Minister of Education for the incident. Kfar Sava, January 27 – Inspired by United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon’s refusal to condemn Palestinian stabbing attacks on Israelis, a high school senior accused of attacking his ...
Read More »Snow Assuages Rogel Alpher’s Guilt By Being Even Whiter Than He
“Snow, at least, is even whiter, and I am therefore not the most guilty thing in existence.” Tel Aviv, January 25 – Haaretz columnist and self-hating Israeli Rogel Alpher expressed a measure of relief after Israel’s first major snowfall of ...
Read More »Palestinians Studying Free In Israeli Jails Complain Of Grade Inflation
“Inmates suffer under this harsh grade inflation regime.” Ofer Prison, near Jerusalem, January 20 – Palestinians convicted of terrorism offenses against Israelis accused the administrators of their free university degree program of padding the scores the inmates achieved on exams ...
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