PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

Pop icon Shlomo Artzi famously smeared Nutella all over his body before performances throughout the 1970’s, sparking a trend among Israeli women eager to use the treat to maintain youthful, supple skin. Jerusalem, February 15 – Already grieving over the ...

“Giving coverage to attacks on Jews would only encourage more such attacks.” Tel Aviv, February 9 – Two major international daily publications announced this morning (Monday) that they would no longer publish news stories involving incidents of Jew-hatred. The New York ...

Future leaders will be forced to bear nicknames that do not prompt people to wonder what the hell they were thinking. Tel Aviv, February 2 – Opposition Leader and current election frontrunner Isaac Herzog confirmed today that his moniker “Buji” ...

Alleyways that previously could only allow two people to pass abreast now have the capacity for an entire pedestrian to trip into one of the many open ditches and break as many as eighteen bones at once. Jerusalem, January 26 ...

“We can’t wrap our heads around that idea,” admitted a committee member. Jerusalem, January 20 – Israel’s authority on the proper Hebrew equivalent to vernacular terms adopted into the language has declined to translate foreign terms referring to a positive balance ...

New York, January 12 – Publishing giant Harper-Collins announced today that it will soon issue an atlas for Israeli grade-school students that does not include the names of any Muslim or Arab countries, a launch that the company says is ...

Jerusalem, January 6 – Meteorologists and Israeli government officials are warning residents and visitors alike to prepare for a major storm of remarks questioning the validity of climate change observations and predictions, in reaction to an anticipated snowfall and  lower-than-average ...

Jerusalem, December 31 – Mayor Nir Barkat approved a measure today to save the Municipality of Jerusalem millions of shekels annually by paving streets and sidewalks directly with dog droppings instead of laboriously laying bricks or asphalt and then bringing in dog ...

Shiloh, Occupied West Bank, December 24 – Archaeologists have unearthed a vast conspiratorial effort by ancient Israelites to make Jews living in Palestine 3,000 years later look indigenous, scholars are reporting. Over the last century and a half, diggers have ...

Haifa, December 18 – Israeli households struggling to make ends meet are awash with gratitude over a new and more pressing source of stress than the classic challenges of hostile regimes and populations. A national poverty report released Wednesday found that ...