PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

“We can’t just use the blood of goyim indiscriminately as we used to, not in the current epidemiological environment.” Jerusalem, March 17 – Consumers beginning their acquisitions for the upcoming Passover festival have noticed an uptick in expenses stemming from ...

Reactions included numerous “Likes” in which the irony failed to resonate. Teaneck, March 8 – Little more than a week after Purim, a local homeowner has managed to clear, vacuum, and scour her residence to rid it of foodstuffs forbidden ...

Ben-Ami’s organization rose to combat the common misperception that the Jews give monolithic support to their own redemption and restoration. Shushan, Achaemenid Empire, February 17 – The emperor issued a proclamation today boasting that his administration has earned the support ...

“Works with suspect content of this or any other sort will not be included in the canon.” Jerusalem, February 18 – Redactors of a collection of sacred texts almost let through a prank that would have plagued millennia of readers ...

“The Zeroth Commandment is ‘Don’t be a goddamn imbecile.'” Divine Throne Room, February 8 – The Creator and Sustainer of all reality expressed frustration today upon discovering additional evidence that despite numerous clear passages in His revealed Word extoling Jewish ...

“Making such a dangerous promise is a one-sided measure that establishes facts on the ground prejudicing the outcome of Israeli-Palestinian negotiations.” Beth El, January 28 – A group of left-wing American lobbyists voiced dismay today following a divine commitment to ...

Bil’am laid the groundwork for his “silencing” claim with a warning that he will only speak that which YHWH endorses. Shittim, Transjordan, January 20 – A prophet and sorcerer whose repeated attempts to curse the Lord’s chosen people came to ...

The Creator of humanity knows a thing or two about human foibles and how hilariously, tragically funny they can be. Kind of like the ‘mishap’ scheduled to hit one of Iran’s sensitive military facilities next week. Tel Aviv, January 11 ...

The phenomenon and its curious exception require significant further study. Tel Aviv, December 31 – Anthropologists examining the controversial phenomenon in which a more powerful society adopts and adapts elements of a subject people’s heritage have observed that the insistence ...

“Even going all the way to eleven has become cliché, thanks to pop culture. So I have to go beyond that.” Jerusalem, December 22 – A self-described “spiritual overachiever” in this city of almost 900,000 marked the final evening yesterday ...