“Compared to the evidence for a workable Two-State Solution, the idea that the Rebbe is Moshiach is a slam dunk.” Crown Heights, January 10 – Adherents of the belief that the late Rebbe of the Lubavitch Hasidic movement did not, in fact, ...
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Feed SubscriptionGod Amused At Your Optimism That 2018 Will Be Better Than 2017
The situation isn’t going to improve just because people are resetting their calendars. Eden, January 2 – Heavenly sources reported this evening that the Creator and Ruler of the Universe has issued numerous guffaws over your baseless assumption that the ...
Read More »Rabbis Clarify That ‘World Was Created For Me’ Axiom Doesn’t Apply To You
Assuming it does will only result in prolonged unnecessary suffering for everyone involved. Jerusalem, January 1 – Talmud scholars rushed to issue a proviso to a famous teaching today, warning that while most people are encouraged to view the universe ...
Read More »Rabbis: Avoid Arrest For Incitement By Not Wearing Skullcap When Inciting
“It is permissible to temporarily pretend not to be a Torah-observant Jew so that one may speak his or her mind without facing trial by media for incitement.” Har Bracha, December 26 – Jewish religious leaders in Israel have begun counseling their ...
Read More »Cleric: All Currency Belongs To Muslims Because It Must Have At Some Point
Included in the ruling are humans, many of whom are descended from slaves once owned by Muslims. Jedda, December 20 – A religious official in this major Saudi city issued a ruling today that all money in the world belongs ...
Read More »Muscular Man Resents Being Pigeonholed As Hagbahah-Only Guy
“I’m getting a little sick of it.” Jerusalem, December 13 – An athletic, toned worshiper at a local synagogue has grown tired of his default role as the one who raises the open Torah scroll to show congregants the reading, ...
Read More »In Palestinian Jihadi Hell, Terrorists Forced To Hear Rival Groups Boast
The most common combination is Fatah-Hamas. The Underworld, December 7 – Eternal punishment for Palestinians who devoted themselves to political violence involves sitting and listening to the bragging claims of other, competing militants, a spokesman for the Afterlife revealed in ...
Read More »Controversial New Litvish Wedding Dance Shuffles Clockwise
They wouldn’t, rachmono litzlon, want to end up like the Chasidim, whose gyrating, dynamic dance moves are downright scandalous. Bnei Brak, November 30 – Scandal erupted this week in the world of Lithuanian Orthodox Jewry when a yeshiva student introduced a ...
Read More »Uproar As Campus Rabbi Permits Use Of Footwear Other Than Ugg Boots
“Someone has to tell this so-called spiritual leader that he can’t just undo tradition with a wave of his hand.” Baltimore, November 23 – Female students at Johns Hopkins University staged a protest today at what they termed the permissive ...
Read More »Kerry Assures 1930’s Jews There’s A Fatwa Against Genocide
Kerry declined to specify what religious authority issued such a fatwa. Washington, November 16 – Former Secretary of State John Kerry has continued his efforts to spread calm in a world troubled by the possibility of escalated sectarian conflict, reassuring Europe’s pre-WWII ...
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