Israelite leaders Moses and Aaron have yet to comment on the vampires. Memphis, ancient Egypt, April 19 – Observers of the Plague of Blood wrought against the Egyptian Empire are reporting that among the population affected by the calamity, vampires ...
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Feed SubscriptionStudy: Gluten-Free Dieters Will Be Insufferable On Passover
“I would say the smugness rises to the point that it is only surpassed by that of vegans,” said Dr. Mayim Shelanu. Atlanta, April 12 – Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control are predicting that immediately before and during the ...
Read More »Child Of Intermarriage Tries To Send Afikoman Gift Wish List To Santa
The broken piece of unleavened bread is set aside and hidden away to mimic the lifestyle of the pauper, who suffers food insecurity and always saves some for later. Burbank, CA, April 6 – The nine-year-old son of a Catholic mother and Jewish father, hoping ...
Read More »Shift To Daylight Saving Causes Israelites To Miss Manna Collection
“The vast majority of the people must not have realized the clock changed last night.” Marah, The Wilderness, April 1 – Hundreds of thousands of Hebrews woke up late this morning after the switch to daylight saving time and as a ...
Read More »Trump: Uninvited Guests Will Pay For Wall To Keep Them Out Of Bris
“It’ll be an amazing wall, just the greatest wall you’ve ever seen. Huge,” he added. New York, March 28 – Real estate magnate and Republican Party presidential hopeful Donald Trump promised family and friends today that only certain people would ...
Read More »Church Historians Discover St. John Not Named After Toilet
The beginning of the confusion lies in ancient manuscripts called the Dead Pee Scrolls. Rome, March 21 – Upending one of the longest-held assumptions in ecclesiastical scholarship, the Roman Catholic Church announced this morning that it had officially refuted the ...
Read More »Ministry Of Interior Recognizes Sports Fandom As Religion
“This has become especially pronounced in recent years with a surge in violence by sports fans against those who oppose them.” Jerusalem, March 15 – Minister of the Interior Aryeh Deri has created a new category of religious belief to ...
Read More »Iran Offers Jews Blood Of Homosexuals For Matza
Jewish leaders have yet to respond to the overture. Tehran, March 9 – In the spirit of what it called religious tolerance for the minorities within its borders, the Islamic Republic of Iran announced today that it would supply the ...
Read More »Mohel Puzzled At Disgust Over ‘Tip Jar’
The man insisted that the tip jar was "disgusting," "rude," and "an affront."
Read More »Republican Israelites Say Tithe Obligation Punishes Achievers
“Why should I pay the same percentage as those no-good Levites who do nothing productive all day?” Wilderness of Zin, March 2 – Wealthy Hebrews recently given a set of laws governing their emerging society raised objections today to the ...
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