PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

Jerusalem, October 2 – A Jerusalem resident intends to launch a cat off the roof of his apartment building this Saturday to commemorate an ancient Jewish atonement rite involving goats. Gidon Levi, 40, will partially reenact the Biblical scapegoat ritual ...

Beersheba, the Land of Canaan – Canaanite authorities have placed Abraham under arrest today, alleging that he recklessly endangered the life of his son by almost sacrificing the child to the LORD. Abraham, a father of two residing in the ...

Bnei Brak, September 18 – In a bid to harness the youthful energy and accumulated experience of the Ultra-Orthodox population in protesting violations of the Sabbath in their neighborhoods, the Israeli government has launched a program to recruit Haredi men ...

Jerusalem, September 10 – The Christian Savior has had his prophesied return delayed again following disagreement among Israeli, Jordanian, and Palestinian officials over which political entity will handle his travel documents. Jesus Christ, who had foretold his return after coming ...

Seattle, Washington, September 3 – Temple De Hirsch Sinai administrators found themselves in hot water today after members discovered that the synagogue had overbooked its seats for the High Holidays under the assumption that some would fail to attend. Congregational ...

Rome, August 27 – Roman Catholic Church officials are looking to leverage the popularity of the current pope beyond his lifetime, fearful that any successors to Francis will not possess his charisma, warmth, and love for the downtrodden. The College ...

Jerusalem, August 22 – Israel’s two Chief Rabbis issued a joint ruling today that internet spam, like actual Spam™, is not kosher and must be properly purged before an inbox may be used again. Spam, a pork product produced my ...

Hinnom Valley, Jerusalem, August 17 – The ancient Near-Eastern god most notoriously known for receiving child sacrifice remarked today that he remains unmoved by Palestinian tactics that often result in the death of children, stating that a display of true ...

Rafah, August 13 – One patriotic and enterprising Gaza printer made a figurative killing last month after coming up with the idea of selling blank books with Quran covers at a steep discount for purposes of posing just so in ...

Jerusalem, August 7 – Officials at Israel’s Ministry of Religious Services are worried that too many consumers will be able to avoid disturbing issues when purchasing produce during the Sabbatical year, and are working to ensure that several layers of ...