PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

Washington, DC, October 26 – Despite numerous episodes in recent decades of Rabbis engaging in dishonest, lecherous, or otherwise immoral behavior, the Orthodox world has still somehow found itself in shock over revelations that a DC-area Rabbi had secretly recorded ...

“…this house of prayer to YHWH our God, made by the King David so that the king use the other house of prayer located…” Jerusalem, October 20 – Excavators working to the south of the Old City have discovered what ...

Jerusalem, October 13 – After focusing for nearly a thousand years on the ritual inclusion of non-Jewish blood in their Passover unleavened bread, Jews have begun to broaden their use of the special substance in other foodstuffs beyond the strictly ...

Jerusalem, October 2 – A Jerusalem resident intends to launch a cat off the roof of his apartment building this Saturday to commemorate an ancient Jewish atonement rite involving goats. Gidon Levi, 40, will partially reenact the Biblical scapegoat ritual ...

Beersheba, the Land of Canaan – Canaanite authorities have placed Abraham under arrest today, alleging that he recklessly endangered the life of his son by almost sacrificing the child to the LORD. Abraham, a father of two residing in the ...

Bnei Brak, September 18 – In a bid to harness the youthful energy and accumulated experience of the Ultra-Orthodox population in protesting violations of the Sabbath in their neighborhoods, the Israeli government has launched a program to recruit Haredi men ...

Jerusalem, September 10 – The Christian Savior has had his prophesied return delayed again following disagreement among Israeli, Jordanian, and Palestinian officials over which political entity will handle his travel documents. Jesus Christ, who had foretold his return after coming ...

Seattle, Washington, September 3 – Temple De Hirsch Sinai administrators found themselves in hot water today after members discovered that the synagogue had overbooked its seats for the High Holidays under the assumption that some would fail to attend. Congregational ...

Rome, August 27 – Roman Catholic Church officials are looking to leverage the popularity of the current pope beyond his lifetime, fearful that any successors to Francis will not possess his charisma, warmth, and love for the downtrodden. The College ...

Jerusalem, August 22 – Israel’s two Chief Rabbis issued a joint ruling today that internet spam, like actual Spam™, is not kosher and must be properly purged before an inbox may be used again. Spam, a pork product produced my ...