PreOccupied Territory The News In Advance. Barely.

Seattle, Washington, September 3 – Temple De Hirsch Sinai administrators found themselves in hot water today after members discovered that the synagogue had overbooked its seats for the High Holidays under the assumption that some would fail to attend. Congregational ...

Rome, August 27 – Roman Catholic Church officials are looking to leverage the popularity of the current pope beyond his lifetime, fearful that any successors to Francis will not possess his charisma, warmth, and love for the downtrodden. The College ...

Jerusalem, August 22 – Israel’s two Chief Rabbis issued a joint ruling today that internet spam, like actual Spam™, is not kosher and must be properly purged before an inbox may be used again. Spam, a pork product produced my ...

Hinnom Valley, Jerusalem, August 17 – The ancient Near-Eastern god most notoriously known for receiving child sacrifice remarked today that he remains unmoved by Palestinian tactics that often result in the death of children, stating that a display of true ...

Rafah, August 13 – One patriotic and enterprising Gaza printer made a figurative killing last month after coming up with the idea of selling blank books with Quran covers at a steep discount for purposes of posing just so in ...

Jerusalem, August 7 – Officials at Israel’s Ministry of Religious Services are worried that too many consumers will be able to avoid disturbing issues when purchasing produce during the Sabbatical year, and are working to ensure that several layers of ...

Heaven, August 1 – The supreme power in the universe, Allah, complained today that His brow hurts from all the times he has reacted with dismay and disbelief to the actions of those who claim to be his followers. The ...

Gaza City, July 25 – In advance of prayer on the most well-attended day of the Muslim week, Friday, Imam Ali Al-Jabri of the Nebi Shufri Mosque in downtown Gaza City faces a dilemma: where to fit the worshipers, whose ...

Rome, July 21 – Just two months after a landmark visit to the Holy Land by Pope Francis, Catholics around the world are encouraged by the visit’s lasting impact on efforts to bring peace to the region. Francis visited Israel ...

Heaven, July 16 – Supernal sources are reporting that several influential archangels are lobbying the Almighty for another set of riots in the Muslim world ostensibly sparked by Western cartoons offensive to Islam, since the first time around was so ...