Chicago Cubs Hope Zionist Conspiracy Lets Them Win Again

Either way, noted Manager Joe Maddon, the team is approaching Spring Training with the same vigor and enthusiasm.

Mesa, AZ, February 29 – Spring training for Major League Baseball kicked off two weeks ago, and the world champion Chicago Cubs are looking forward to another successful season, tempered by uncertainty over whether the International Zionist Conspiracy will allow them to repeat their achievement.

The Cubs won the World Series last year for the first time in more than a century. Players and managers expressed hope that the attainment proves lasting, and that the Zionist Conspiracy that controls world affairs has plans that do not involve another 108 years of futility for the storied franchise.

Either way, noted Manager Joe Maddon, the team is approaching Spring Training with the same vigor and enthusiasm. “We know we can do it – some things are just beyond our control,” he explained. “Our responsibility is to play our hearts out and use our heads. Whether the Conspiracy plans to rain out potential victories, engineer all sorts of injuries, or foment unrest in the clubhouse isn’t really up to us. We have a job to do.”

Former Cubs players, as well, have voiced optimism tempered with wistfulness. “I’m happy for these guys – they deserved to win, and I’ve no doubt they’ll earn another title this year,” acknowledged Ryne Sandberg, once an all-star second-baseman with the team. “But earning it and receiving it are two different things. My teammates in the eighties and nineties played as well as could be, but the Zionists decided it wasn’t our time. I have to admit I’m jealous, and a little bitter, that it had to wait until long after I retired. Would have been incredible.”

Sandberg also voiced regret that iconic Cub Ernie Banks, who died in 2015, was denied the glory and joy of a championship even in retirement. “One can only guess at the sinister motives of the Conspiracy in depriving Ernie of that experience,” he mused. “Is it because Ernie was black? We’ve had any number of African-American stars on championship teams. My gut says it has to do with the Nation of Islam and Chicago politics. But it’s weird. You’d think Jews would want nothing but success for a guy with ‘bank’ in his name.”

Players and the coaching staff took solace in the fact that at least this year, given the state of the team, the Yankees would not win another championship. “There are some things even the wizards in the Zionist Conspiracy can’t engineer,” observed Maddon.

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