Consultant: Stabbers Should Skip Middle Man, Just Shoot Selves

“These recommendations are bound to encounter opposition not necessarily on their merits, but simply because they are new.”

Jerusalem, December 23 – An efficiency consultant studying Palestinian societal practices issued a report today examining its policies and suggesting changes, including having those who intend to stab Jews avoid the hassle, mess, and expense of an actual attack that would inevitably get them shot, and simply shoot themselves to achieve the same outcome with much less time and effort.

Organizational consultant Dewitt Myweigh, whom the Palestinian Authority hired to advise them on efficiency four months ago, published the results of his research today, with the study’s chief recommendation involving an effort to minimize waste and redundancy. The 70-page report focuses mainly on the Authority’s use of media to reach youth, which has of late emphasized the benefits and glory of killing Jews by various means. Killings and attempted killings of Jews have occurred almost daily for several months, almost without exception resulting in bystanders or security personnel neutralizing the attacker, usually with a firearm. Myweigh noted the complex planning and logistics necessary to mount those attacks, and pointed out that the same outcome could be achieved more quickly, and by going through much less trouble, by having the would-be attackers simply shoot themselves, or have a friend do it.

“In fully 90% of the attacks since October, the assailants have been neutralized with bullets,” he wrote. “In approximately the same percent of attacks, the assailant has had to deviate substantially from his or her normal routine, incur expenses he or she would not normally incur, and allot significant blocks of time for the attack that could be effectively utilized performing other essential activities. Given the availability of firearms in areas under Palestinian control, it would save an average of sixteen hours, three hundred ten shekels, and untold aggravation per assailant to arrange for him or her to be shot without departing from daily routine.”

It remains unclear to what extent, if at all, Myweigh’s recommendations will be adopted. “There is a deep sense of traditionalism and conservatism in Palestinian society,” observed former Prime Minister Salam Fayad, who experienced much resistance to the reforms he sought to implement when he was in office. “These recommendations are bound to encounter opposition not necessarily on their merits, but simply because they are new.”

“It barely matters that the practices themselves are not of recent vintage,” he continued. “Palestinian society often takes comparatively recent phenomena and treats them as age-old. The best example is the notion of a nation of Palestine itself. Nobody really talked about an identifiable political entity called ‘Palestine’ until about fifty years ago, but you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone here today who doesn’t assume we’ve always been a discrete Arab Muslim culture. People who oppose that notion are called ‘Zionists’ and ‘collaborators,’ and we kill them in the streets. So I wouldn’t bet on implementing these changes anytime soon.”