Convergent Meanings Of ‘Canaan’ And ‘Islam’ Gives Man Biblical Idea For ‘Pacifying’ Land

“It’s not about ancient history, it’s not about the past, it’s about the present! Who’s with me?!”

Jerusalem, September 10 – A linguistic epiphany occurred to a local resident today, leading him to argue that the genocide or ethnic cleansing of Holy Land inhabitants ordained in the books of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy – the partial implementation of which occurs in the book of Joshua – should apply to the locale’s hostile Muslim population, given that one of the senses of the names for both groups denotes “submission,” which he argues classifies the Muslims in the same manner as the seven specific nations designated for removal.

“The term ‘Islam’ and the terms ‘Canaan’ both refer to submission or submissiveness,” stated Shaul Schicker, who fancies himself a Biblical scholar. “That must mean the modern Muslim population of Israel, Judea, Samaria, and I guess Gaza, are technically Canaanites, perhaps not in the genetic or direct cultural sense, but in the sense of the ethos that God finds so abominable that the only appropriate treatment of it is extermination.”

The term “Islam” indeed means “submission,” among other nuances, referring to the religion’s demand that humanity submit to God (“Allah” in Arabic, literally a contraction of al-illah, “the God”). And the Hebrew root behind the name “Canaan” also does mean “subservience” or submission; the Biblical account in the book of Genesis attributes the name to a grandson of Noah whose father violated Noah, and whom Noah cursed with enslavement to the rest of the family.

Biblical justification for the banishment or wholesale slaughter of the Canaanite peoples – Canaanite, Perizzite, Jebusite, Hivite, Hittite, Amorite, and Girgashite – involves the immoral practices of those peoples, chief among them child sacrifice, idol worship, and sexual immorality of numerous varieties. Schicker, 44, who has adopted myriad different political ideologies over the last several decades, found that justification a compelling support for his current sensibilities.

“The Islamic terrorists and the society that supports them engage in all of that,” he contended, holding forth to no one in particular at a bus stop on Betzalel Street. “October 7 is evidence enough of that, as well as everything that they’ve done before or since. What we need to do is follow the Biblical model: they must leave, on pain of death, unless they permanently renounce their immoral ways and undertake a moral lifestyle.”

“The Torah already warned what would happen if we left any of them around to corrupt and persecute us,” he continued. “It’s not about ancient history, it’s not about the past, it’s about the present! Who’s with me?!”

A taxi driver honked at that moment. Onlookers remain uncertain whether the noise came in response to Schicker’s exhortation or some other stimulus such as a light that had been green for a fraction of a second already.

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