COVID Test Center Looking For Experienced DMV Workers To Prevent Line From Moving

Visitors who did manage to get to the front before despairing still faced several classic hurdles of Israeli bureaucracy, including the old standby of demanding a document that none of the instructions called for.

Jerusalem, August 31 – Management of an ad hoc rapid-result testing facility at a shopping mall and movie theater complex in the Mishkenot HaUmma neighborhood of Israel’s capital seeks employees who know how to prevent those queueing for service from making it through the waiting process, and have placed ads looking for current or former clerks at the automotive Licensing Authority, the Ministry of the Interior, National Insurance Institute, Employment Authority, and other offices with the principal function of frustrating visitors with the inefficiency, incompetence, time-wastage, and futility of the endeavor, a spokesman for the Magen David Adom testing station announced today.

Staff at the Cinema City complex in central Jerusalem confirmed Tuesday that they need augmented manpower to help keep the public waiting beyond any reasonable duration, in conditions ripe for spread of the pathogen the facility is tasked with detecting. Without proof of vaccination, Israelis need such negative test results for permission to attend various public or indoor events.

“For immediate release: we require persons with at least one year’s experience delaying the public from receiving prompt service,” the notice read. It directed applicants to a defunct e-mail address, a fax number, and an office with incorrect and inconvenient opening hours.

“We have to make sure the line is always at least a forty-five minute wait,” explained a tester who specifically stopped her swabbing cuties to talk to a reporter. “But it also has to look like we’re doing important stuff. Gone are the days when you could just take an in-your-face smoking break every ten minutes, then get up to get coffee, go the the bathroom, and then loudly criticize the impatience of someone who’s waited two hours to get a simple bureaucratic procedure done. But it’s tradition.”

Staff at the Cinema City location, like those elsewhere in the country, also neglect to correct those who wear their masks improperly while waiting, thus risking exposure to the CoV-SARS-2 pathogen of anyone in the immediate vicinity. A cursory glance at the crowd – this is the Levant, where the concept of queueing neatly remains notional at best – revealed at least seventy people, none of whom showed particular concern for social distancing or, for that matter, for respect of personal space.

The handful of visitors who did manage to get to the front before despairing still faced several classic hurdles of Israeli bureaucracy, including the old standby of demanding a document that none of the instructions called for and that no one in their right mind would have on their person for the occasion.

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