Criminals Threaten To Go On Strike If Demands Not Met

Experts cast doubt on the strike’s potential impact.

Natanya, February 23 – Representatives of crime syndicates and individual criminals announced today that if the State does not meet their demands for better working conditions, they will refuse to commit the crimes they are expected to perpetrate.

Drug kingpins, killers for hire, weapons dealers, pickpockets, rapists, robbers, contraband traffickers, and numerous others released a statement this morning threatening that if the government does not increase remuneration for their activities by at least 10% and improve working conditions, they will refrain from fulfilling their duties as murderers, corrupt politicians, extortionists, and thieves.

“For too long the State has neglected our industry and failed to implement even the most basic reforms,” the statement claimed. “Revenue in our field has fluctuated erratically over the last two decades, leaving our thieves, thugs, consiglieres, and sexual assaulters with economic insecurity. The government must step in to guarantee some level of dignity for our industry, which has always formed an integral part of this society.”

“It is indicative of a properly functioning society that all members have the opportunity to maintain a respectable standard of living,” it continued. “In recent years foreign crime syndicates have claimed a greater and greater share of the market for our services, leaving our workers hurting. The State bears responsibility to protect domestic kidnappers, money launderers, traffickers of women, and counterfeiters from competition from abroad. Cheap alternatives from abroad are undermining Israeli criminals’ source of livelihood, and the government must step in.”

Experts cast doubt on the strike’s potential impact. “Essentially, the authors of this statement are banking on the Israeli public not finding alternative source for their crime while the strike is in effect,” observed Pesha Me’urgan, a journalist for Makor Rishon who covers police and crime. “But unlike other trade groups and labor unions, these people have nothing close to a monopoly on their services. I suspect consumers of crime will quickly and easily avail themselves of other producers.”

Beyond the dubious efficacy of a strike, crime analyst Ganna Vim noted the absurdity of the threat. “In telling us they’ll withhold their criminal contribution to society unless they get what they demand, they’re engaging in what amounts to extortion,” he observed. “So they’re not actually striking. It’s ridiculous. They’re only going to hurt their credibility, and the government isn’t going to see any reason to negotiate, let alone capitulate.”

Vim recommended that the criminals go with what has been proven to extract government concessions, such as kidnapping soldiers.

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