Dog Walkers Vow To Up Output After Storms Wash Away Poop

“It’s a challenge, but we embrace this sort of challenge.”

Credit: Wittco.gmbh via Wikimedia Commons

Jerusalem, January 15 – Owners and caretakers of canine pets in this city redoubled their efforts this week to cover the sidewalks in dog crap again after a series of winter storms cleared most of the fecal matter away.

Heavy rains over the course of the last three weeks have removed a significant percentage of the dog excrement that accumulated on the sidewalks and byways of the capital since last spring and the last major weather system of the 2018 rainy season. Dog owners and walkers have labored in the intervening period to cover as much of the city as possible with their pets’ crap, and had expressed gratification at their collective progress until the 2019 rains set in and reversed their progress by a noticeable margin. The community vowed this week not to allow the setback to deter them from their mission of rendering every pedestrian walkway impassable without treading in canine manure.

“It’s a challenge, but we embrace this sort of challenge,” asserted Scheiss DeKalb, 30, of the Nachlaot neighborhood. “The year before last the figures were dropping, as it were, and a bunch of us resolved to make up the shortfall by increasing our dogs’ production. It was a major success, and we intend to repeat our performance, especially with some new recruits and their pooches who’ve been hanging out with the old-timers at the corner playground where dogs aren’t supposed to be by law.”

New resident Henny Dungman, 50, admitted that at first he hesitated to leave his retriever’s ejecta lying on the ground, an act that runs afoul of municipal ordinances. However, he soon noticed that the city neglects to enforce both its pooper-scooper laws and its leash laws, allowing him free rein to let his animal scare small children and leave waste wherever.

“It’s quite a dog-friendly city, almost as much as Tel Aviv, where I came from,” he observed. “When I got here I was afraid I wouldn’t enjoy the freedom to make other people’s lives a stinky, ugly, messy hell. I was even concerned that some people might see me not cleaning up after my dog and chastise me for it, but it’s been a few months and I’ve developed both the experience and the confidence to ignore, dismiss, or flip off anyone who does. I mean, there are city sanitation employees whose job it is to clean the streets, so it’s going to get picked up anyway at some point, at least in theory. The only question is when, and until that time we’ve made it our task to decorate the entire city’s sidewalks with our dogs’ droppings.”

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