“Tel Aviv inhabitants are constantly claiming they are far more tolerant than the ‘primitive,’ ‘extremist’ Jews of Jerusalem, so this is the perfect way to welcome the tens of thousands of weekly Al-Aqsa attendees.”
Jerusalem, January 15 – President-elect Donald Trump intends to complement the move of the US Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem by arranging for a transfer in the opposite direction of a mosque that has become a flashpoint for sectarian violence, a member of his transition team announced today.
Spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway told reporters Sunday that Donald Trump will order the two moves to occur in parallel, within the first few months of taking office. Trump’s inauguration will take place this Friday.
Conway explained that the violence that various leaders have warned will result from moving the embassy to Israel’s declared capital will prove to be mere sound and fury, and that the incoming administration can kill two birds with one stone by cementing US recognition of Israeli sovereignty in Jerusalem through the embassy move and eliminating a point of friction between Muslims and Jews with the mosque relocation.
“Al Aqsa has been a rallying cry for Muslims since the 1920’s, based on the libel that ‘the Jews’ plan to raze the mosque and build their Temple,” she observed. “Even though Zionism, especially at the time, was a secular movement uninterested in the religious aspects of Jewish rebirth in the ancestral Jewish homeland. The same call to ‘save’ Al-Aqsa from the designs of the Israeli government – a government led by the secular Likud Party – has sparked the Second Intifada and the current wave of stabbing and automotive attacks by Palestinians. It has to go. Since we’re going to be repurposing our Tel Aviv facility once it ceases to function as an embassy, an obvious choice for its new designation is Al-Aqsa II.”
Conway listed several of the benefits the new location offers. “It’s right near the Mediterranean, which means worshipers can enjoy an afternoon at the beach after the prayers conclude. It’s also a stone’s throw – and the Palestinians will know exactly how far that is – from some of the finest dining on the planet: Tel Aviv also has the world’s greatest restaurant scene, according to a recent Forbes article. Beyond that, Tel Aviv inhabitants are constantly claiming they are far more tolerant than the ‘primitive,’ ‘extremist’ Jews of Jerusalem, so this is the perfect way to welcome the tens of thousands of weekly Al-Aqsa attendees into the warm arms of the enlightened Tel Aviv milieu.”
Even if the erstwhile embassy site proves ill-suited to a relocated Al-Aqsa, Tel Aviv can provide numerous workable alternatives. “There have to be acres and acres of space freed up by all those empty apartments of people who vowed to emigrate if Netanyahu were reelected,” Conway observed. “It’s been almost two years since then, which means there must be neighborhoods of Tel Aviv that are veritable ghost towns. Shouldn’t be too hard to find space in the vicinity of, for example, Tel Aviv University.”
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