Drunk Elijah Wanders Into Area “A”

IDF search-and-rescue teams conducted several helicopter reconnaissance missions last night and this morning.

Hebron, April 24 – Following a visit to every Jewish household to partake of wine from the Seder, an inebriated prophet Elijah has been spotted wandering in Palestinian-controlled parts of Judea and Samaria, according to eyewitness reports.

Elijah the Tishbi spent the first two nights of Passover traveling at miraculous speed to every Seder in the world on Friday and Saturday nights to drink the “fifth” of the Four Cups, a journey that apparently left him too intoxicated to notice that he was entering areas off limits to Israeli citizens, and are especially hazardous to Jews. His exact current whereabouts remain unknown, raising concerns for his well-being.

IDF search-and-rescue teams conducted several helicopter reconnaissance missions last night and this morning, but called off the operations after no sightings occurred and their resources were needed for the thousands of tourists who began flocking to the nature reserves, deserts, and national parks during the Passover break. A spokesman for the rescue unit said they would resume searching for Elijah when further evidence of his location emerges.

“Going forward we’re going to reserve our helicopters and extraction teams for the specific cases of climbers and hikers who need assistance getting out of unanticipated tight spots and dangerous situations such as sudden injury,” said Colonel Carmel Har. “Active aerial surveillance to find Eliyahu will be replaced by intelligence work and monitoring of incoming reports,” he added, using the Hebrew pronunciation of the prophet’s name.

Elijah is reported to have wandered off in a drunken stupor several times before, always turning up in reasonably good condition within a day, when he was expected at myriad circumcision ceremonies. One unconfirmed report had the prophet located by authorities monitoring the movement of crows carrying meat from Samaria to a specific location in the north of the country.

In a separate incident several years ago, aerial surveillance was called off when rescue aircraft had to be grounded amid reports of a flaming chariot. Interceptors were dispatched to the location, but by then the chariot, which did not appear on radar, had disappeared.

Several families in later time zones were forced to make do without a visit from Elijah, whose disappearance occurred before they reached the part of the Seder where he makes an appearance. “This has happened before,” explained Tishbi Giladi, who ran a Passover Seder in Honolulu. “We managed. I just had to kick the table at the right moment to make the wine cup shake a little, and the kids were convinced he’d had a sip.”