Earth Opens To Swallow Korah, Revealing Hamas Tunnel Network

“The earth opening up and swallowing might violate international law,” asserted Ken ben-Roth of Arab Rights Watch.

Credit: Luc Viatour via Wikimedia Commons

Wilderness of Zin, June 20 – The rebellion of a tribal chieftain among the Israelites resulted in the ground devouring him, his sons, and other ringleaders of the insurrection this morning, briefly exposing the subterranean network of passages used by the Islamist group that runs the Gaza Strip.

Korah, son of Yitzhar, of the tribe of Levi, challenged the legitimacy of Moses’s leadership and the authority of the laws he transmitted, and rebuffed the latter’s efforts to reach an amicable conciliation. The Almighty then caused the Earth to open and swallow the men, their families, and their possessions. As fire consumed the other 250 rebels, the Israelites observing the miraculous event reported that they could see the Hamas tunnels while the Earth was open.

“I saw steel-reinforced concrete passages with ventilation systems and pumps to combat flooding,” attested a man from the tribe of Benjamin. “They’ve really invested in those tunnels. You could drive a car through some of them – and who knows how many weapons you could smuggle through a space like that. Hamas must make a mint on import duties through those things.”

“I bet all the Ishmaelite caravan traders want an in with them now,” surmised a woman from Zebulun. “Zionist siege or no Zionist siege, a genocidal terrorist movement has to make a buck. Twenty silver shekels says the guys who control the entrances to those tunnels are making a mint off kickbacks from spice traders, olive merchants, and cavalry importers. The leaders of Hamas must be lining their pockets like nobody’s business, and the money keeps coming in. It’s like a bottomless pit or something.”

Some observers took a dim view of the phenomenon. “The earth opening up and swallowing might violate international law,” asserted Ken ben-Roth of Arab Rights Watch. “It needlessly endangered the lives of civilians inside the tunnels, and threatened the livelihoods of the Palestinians who depend on those tunnels for vital civilian goods such as grenade launchers, Fajr-5 missiles, mortar rounds, and, uh, penicillin.”

“But certainly the flames consuming the 250 casualties raises serious humanitarian concerns,” he continued. “There are allegations that the fire resulted from the deployment of white phosphorus, the use of which is restricted.” He declined to specify what international statute bars the use of the substance, or what credible source made the allegations.

Ben-Roth added that the prior use of incense in the ritual to demonstrate which leader could lay legitimate claim to the high priesthood might constitute a war crime, as it runs afoul of laws banning chemical weapons.

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