Effort To Provide Infinite Texting Causes Black Hole

Hertzeliya, August 28 – Israeli cellular service providers Orange, Cellcom, and Partner, among others, have been pursuing a market strategy to entice customers with an infinite capacity to send text messages via their mobile devices, but scientists are warning that the measures necessary to reach the infinity threshold have sparked the formation of a black hole.

A black hole is an object of such mass and density that the gravitational pull it exerts prevents even light from escaping its clutches. They are typically created by the collapse of the remains of an ultra-dense, massive star, and their presence can only be inferred or indirectly observed. Astrophysicists and cosmologists announced this week that the unpredictable nature of infinity inherent in the quest for unlimited text messages has already given rise to at least one such entity, which threatens to devour the solar system.

Already, say the scientists, the black hole is swallowing certain types of data, leaving barely a trace. As an example they cite media coverage of terrorism perpetrated by Fatah, the faction ostensibly led by Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. The various militias affiliated with Fatah continue to boast of how many rockets and mortars they launched at Israeli civilians during Operation Protective Edge, but that body of information keeps disappearing before it can hit the consciousness of any correspondent, editor, diplomat, or politician outside the Arab world, who continue to believe in Fatah as a moderating force to be engaged and empowered.

The black hole also accounts for the absence of pre-1967 events from the Left’s weltanschauüng, according to the cosmologists. “The precariousness of the pre-’67  situation seems to have been deleted from the minds of Israelis and Jews who argue that withdrawal to the 1949 armistice lines is the key to peace,” says Stella Klapps of the Goddard Spaceflight Center. “The black hole sucks out of their brains the potential realization that genocidal opposition to Israel is completely unrelated to Israel’s behavior. Even if someone else reintroduces that notion to them, the black hole devours it as if it were never part of their consciousness.”

A spokesman for Partner Communications declined to comment, saying company technicians were examining the problem and would be in touch with an estimate of how much it would cost to repair. However, he cautioned that it was more likely a better investment to purchase a new, faster, and more powerful device for only 20 more shekels per month for the next six years or until the black hole sucks Earth out of its proper orbit and snuffs out all life, whichever comes first.