Einstein Presented With Dice God Uses To Shape Universe

Gabriel introduced the award at a ceremony to honor Einstein on the occasion of the latter finally passing Heaven’s entrance exam.

Paradise, January 9 – A Nobel laureate who made unparalleled advances in the theories underpinning human comprehension of the cosmos and of the subatomic world, and who insisted that the non-intuitive, seemingly arbitrary nature of quantum mechanics appears too similar to the Creator indulging in games of chance to determine the laws of physics to be acceptable, received an award in Heaven today for his corporeal work: the pair of dice that God used in formulating the principles by which Existence operates.

Archangel Gabriel presented the six-sided cubes to Albert Einstein, whose Special and General Theories of Relativity catapulted human understanding of the sciences into the twentieth century and helped usher in the nuclear age, space travel, and numerous other advances. The token of appreciation comes attached to a plaque with one of the scientist’s most famous quotations, from 1943: “As I have said so many times, God doesn’t play dice with the world.” The sentence condensed a sentiment he earlier expressed in a 1926 letter: “Quantum mechanics is certainly imposing. But an inner voice tells me that it is not yet the real thing. The theory says a lot, but does not really bring us any closer to the secret of the ‘old one.’ I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice.”

Gabriel introduced the award at a ceremony to honor Einstein on the occasion of the latter finally passing Heaven’s entrance exam. “We had to make it extra difficult for you,” quipped the angel. “No one else had to write an essay explaining the way the opposite sex thinks and acts.”

In later remarks, divine spokesangels explained the choice of statuette. “In fact of course God does play dice with the universe,” observed Michael. “Otherwise everything would be mechanistic, surprise wouldn’t exist, and there would be no room for even the illusion of free will, once you got right down to it. There are immutable boundary conditions, obviously, to keep everything from spiraling totally out of wack, but within those boundaries the Almighty loves anticipating what humans will do. He even avoids peeking at the future sometimes because He likes a good surprise. There’s even a Talmudic teaching that what He does is sit and wait for the conception of righteous man. If He wanted to control things and not leave them to chance, He wouldn’t be sitting and waiting. The process is what He’s all about.”

The Nobel laureate himself laughed with the audience and presenter. “I’ve never been wedded to my ego – it’s all been a quest for truth,” Einstein blushed. “Maybe that’s why I’m here in the first place. You certainly couldn’t call me a good Jew in practical terms. But since arriving I’ve encountered so many pieces of information and experience to show me where I was right – and where I was astoundingly wrong.”

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