Elders Forget Gentile Blood; Jews Forced To Use Water In Matza For 3,336th Year In A Row

“Preferably the blood of a Christian child, but that’s more custom than anything else. There weren’t any Christians yet at the Exodus.”

Jerusalem, April 8 – The shadowy group coordinating the behavior of a tiny religious and ethnic minority in key positions of power neglected once again to kidnap and murder a Christian child to use his blood in the preparation of unleavened bread for the upcoming holiday of Passover, extending once more a streak of negligence that began in 1313 BCE.

Operatives at the Elders of Zion matza-production facility deep underground this ancient city complained that the Elders’ failure condemned them for the 3,336th time to using mere water to make the flatbread.

“Everyone knows you’re supposed to use blood,” observed Shlomo Warmonger, a shift supervisor. “Preferably the blood of a Christian child, but that’s more custom than anything else. There weren’t any Christians yet at the Exodus. You can use the blood of any non-Jewish child. It doesn’t have to be a child, I’m pretty sure. Just ask all the nations around us. Their media talk about it all the time, and they’re obviously well-versed in the sources.”

The Elders of Zion declined to offer comment on the oversight. Analysts cited numerous possible factors that could have contributed to a preoccupied state of mind among the cabal: they have their hands full in a US presidential election year; Israel’s war in Gaza demands logistical resources for harvesting Palestinian organs, leaving the matza-blood-procurement channel without the necessary manpower and support; faking a resurgence of global antisemitism to generate unwarranted sympathy for Jews distracts from the annual kidnap-murder-bleed operation, among at least a dozen others factors.

Passover occurs on the fifteenth of the month of Nisan, which this year coincides with the evening of April 22.

Jews hoping to get Passover shopping done early expressed disappointment that their diligence will not pay off in the form of snagging some that precious blood matza before the supply runs out. “The holiday’s still a couple of weeks away,” noted Osher Ad supermarket customer Alfred Dreyfus. “I know the store doesn’t even have much of its Passover selection out yet. But you can only get so much matza out of one person’s blood. There are literally millions of Jews around the world who will be eating matza at the Seder. No way there would be any left on the shelves closer to the holiday even if production hadn’t suffered this setback. I guess we’ll have to go without it again this year.”

“One of these years I might get to try it,” he mused. “I wonder if it would even be kosher?”

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