Elders Of Zion Invite Wrong Zoabi To Meeting

The damage control turned out to be unnecessary, as the call was conducted using the Cellcom mobile network, and nothing was heard.

Savyon, Israel, March 22 – The secret cabal behind all of the world’s major affairs scrambled to perform damage control today after requesting the presence of firebrand Arab MK Hanin Zoabi at a clandestine planning meeting when they intended the invitation for Mohammed Zoabi, a teenage Arab Zionist. The two are distantly related.

For the March-April meeting of the Learned Elders of Zion, Central Israel Directorate, one of the developing projects required the presence of a pro-Israel Arab, who could be co-opted and exploited for the advancement of continued Jewish conquests in the region. However, a careless error by an assistant to one of the elders resulted in a gracious invitation to Ms. Zoabi instead of the 18-year-old Mohammed. Ms. Zoabi faced a storm of criticism last summer after refusing to categorize the abduction and murder of three Jewish teenagers as terrorism, and for repeatedly trying to undermine the legitimacy of Israel as a Jewish state.

The assistant, identified only by the codename Shiksa, realized her error within minutes of sending the invitation, requiring a break-in to the Knesset member’s personal e-mail account to eliminate all traces of the message. However, the hackers charged with the task, codenamed Sheygetz and Shvartza, discovered Ms. Zoabi – or a secretary – had opened the message, necessitating a more elaborate, risky, and urgent mission to contain knowledge of the invitation, which also included detailed directions on the location of the clandestine facility where the meeting was to occur.

A team of agents trained in memory modification caught Ms. Zoabi and her staff on trips to the restroom and precisely aimed a memory-altering beam at the specific set of neurons where awareness of the invitation was stored, while a second group gained access to the computers and mobile devices in the vicinity to delete any files with the incriminating evidence. A third, remote team scoured the records of all telephone conversations involving Zoabi, her family, friends, associates, and staff, in case verbal mention of the invitation had occurred. One possible call contained such an event, and the first team was sent to follow up and erase that memory from the phone call recipient; it turned out to be unnecessary, as the call was conducted using the Cellcom mobile network, and nothing was heard. As a precaution, however, the team erased that portion of the man’s memory anyway.

The mishap represents only the second time in the last hundred years the wrong person received an invitation to Elders of Zion synods. In June 1967 an Egyptian Air Force officer with the same name as an Elders of Zion field operative was apprised of an impending mission. Within seconds of realizing what had happened, nearly the entire fleet of Israel Air Force attack aircraft was mobilized to destroy as many Egyptian military aircraft as possible on the ground. The effort was successful, in that the Egyptian officer was killed before he could share the vital information with anyone, but the mission sparked the Six-Day War.