Elders Of Zion Split Over Chazan Who Sang Parts Usually Mumbled

A part of the service that seldom, if ever, features anything but quiet recitation and on a regular afternoon takes perhaps thirty seconds, not the four minutes this rendition required.

Jerusalem, December 14 – A rift has developed in the Jewish cabal that secretly runs much of the world and continues to strive for total global domination, after what many considered a quick break in proceedings for the afternoon service took a full twenty-five minutes as the recitation leader decided to forgo the typical perfunctory pace in favor of showcasing his melodious voice, leading to recriminations, altercations, and, ultimately, a walkout by almost a quarter of the cabal members.

At the once-a-century conference of the Elders of Zion last week, witnesses say, nineteen of the seventy-one Elders ended up leaving in a huff to form a breakaway cabal that, in the words of one departing member, “knows that prayer isn’t about showing off.” Defenders of the cantorially-inclined member insisted there was plenty of time and much of the organization’s agenda had already been addressed in the earlier part of the day, lending the rest of the session a more leisurely atmosphere appropriate to the man’s liturgical choice..

Disparate witness accounts identified the would-be cantor as a Hollywood executive who lost his father two months ago and has since seized every opportunity to exercise the customary mourner’s prerogative to lead services so as to control the pace, ensuring he can recite Kaddish at the right times. The executive, however, in this case tried the other minyan attendees’ patience by using a relaxed Sabbath-morning tune in the repetition of the ‘Amidah and not the faster, less-musical recitation that almost every weekday prayer participant expects. Then he set the k’dusha portion of the repetition to music, a practice reserved for non-work days. The incident could have ended in mere eye-rolling and suppressed grumbling at that point, according to one disaffected Elder, but then the executive decided to use a slow, longing tune for the Tahanun, a part of the service that seldom, if ever, features anything but quiet recitation and on a regular afternoon takes perhaps thirty seconds, not the four minutes this rendition required.

Conference attendees not participating in the impromptu mincha heard the shouting from elsewhere in the convention center. “I didn’t know what it was about at first,” admitted George Soros, whose involvement with Jewish ritual ceased when he was a youth. “Even when others started explaining it to me I didn’t understand half the words. ‘Debenture’ and ‘marginal tax rate’ I understand, but not ‘k’dusha’ or whatever that was. In any case, I hope they come back. Harvey’s only saying Kaddish for a few more months.”

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