Emorite Soldiers Struggling Not To Laugh At King Named ‘Og’

His frontline troops nurture a joke of referring to their leader by various names they think sound vaguely simian.

Rabbat-Ammon, July 4 – Troops in the army of the Bashan kingdom of the Emorites are having a hard time containing their amusement that their ruler bears a name reminiscent of a caveman, military sources are reporting.

Og, whose physical size is rivaled only by his military and political might, rules over a domain stretching from the southern mountains of Syria to the plains northeast of the Dead Sea. His intimidating presence and reputation for ruthlessness strike fear in the hearts of enemies, but, according to local testimony, that intimidation does not extend to some of his own frontline soldiers, who nurture a running joke of referring to their leader by various other names they think sound primitive and vaguely simian.

“His Highness Thag has ordered a new training regimen to prepare for an anticipated Israelite approach,” one officer of the chariot corps announced to his men today, barely keeping a straight face and inducing snickers throughout the group. “Everyone assemble at dawn tomorrow for drills. Later this week we will demonstrate our prowess before King Blorg himself, and if our performance is up to par, His Oogness will participate in the drills.” A minute or two of tittering followed the announcement, after which the officer regained his composure and directed the men to get a good night’s rest before practicing to meet His Blorthness.

“I’m excited to finally get going against this threat,” said a squad commander with the infantry, referring to the approach of the Israelites. “I’m especially encouraged that King Oonga has decided to take preemptive action instead of waiting for it to come to us.” The look of gratification on the commander’s face stemmed both from the satisfaction of having a plan of action and his pride at coming up with a new Neanderthalish name by which to refer to Og.

The king remains unaware of the running joke, according to palace insiders. “No one would dare inform His Highness that the soldiers are referring to him as Glorph, Moog, Ugg, Zog, and Grunther,” whispered a military adviser who spoke on condition of anonymity, a smirk visible on his face. “On one hand it would not do to have the king discover the lack of discipline in the ranks implied by royal monikers such as Gurk, Gak, Mooka, Zulb, Gronk, and Thak, but on the other hand, taking measures to root out the phenomenon might only alert King Umbwaa to this problem.” The adviser then excused himself with his hand over his mouth and his eyes beginning to tear.