EU Enlists Rufus Scrimgeour To Pretend To Handle Islamist Threat

“It’s exactly the kind of cosmetic change that we at the EU have always preferred when addressing fundamental, even existential, challenges.”

Photo Credit: GabboT

Brussels, June 28 – The European Union has engaged the former Minister of Magic to help the alliance create the impression that they are actually doing something about the increasing threat of radical Islam.

Rufus Scrimgeour, who headed the Ministry of Magic after Cornelius Fudge, specializes in policies aimed at maintaining calm and the appearance of effective action while actually accomplishing little, if not directly abetting those who seek to undermine the system and sow terror. His term as Minister of Magic saw the imprisonment of innocents such as Knight Bus conductor Stan Shunpike, and several failed attempts to persuade Harry Potter to allow the Ministry to use him to give the impression that he was working for them in the fight against Lord Voldemort. That experience, said EU representatives, will prove invaluable in the ongoing European effort to make a show of confronting radical political Islam while actually despairing of accomplishing anything but delaying the inevitable.

Scrimgeour, 54, headed the Auror Office in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement prior to his becoming minister, and is widely regarded as tougher than his predecessor Fudge. However, Scrimgeour, like Fudge, often prioritizes calm over truth, and therefore represents what European leaders call the ideal Continental mixture of bluster and incompetence.

“Mr. Scrimgeour brings to the table what most of us can only dream of,” said EU foreign policy chief Federica Mogherini. “While others indulge in the rhetoric of multiculturalism, tolerance, and the need to be wary of stoking Islamophobia, Rufus, whom I am glad to call a friend, uses the language of law, order, and stability. It’s exactly the kind of cosmetic change that we at the EU have always preferred when addressing fundamental, even existential, challenges.”

Already, Scrimgeour has zealously embraced what observers call the Shunpike Doctrine, which involves decisive punitive measures against a marginal player in the larger drama to create the appearance of meaningful action. He employed the doctrine as minister, and is now applying it to European treatment of Israel, for lack of of will or courage to actually confront the homegrown Islamist threat to European civilization.

“Scrimgeour is well practiced at this sort of thing,” notes historian Bathilda Bagshot. “His experience in this realm did a good job preparing him to pretend that focusing on Israel’s relationship with the Palestinians is an effective way to address the radicalization of Muslims in Europe. Fortunately for Scrimgeour and the EU, world bodies such as the UN Security and Human Rights Councils are enthusiastically accepting of the attention given to Israel, since it allows their members to continue ignoring the dark forces they perpetuate at home.”

At press time, Scrimgeour was holding forth to reporters about countering ISIS massacres across the Middle East by suddenly forgetting about democracy and human rights in areas not controlled by Israel.