EU Flings Sacks Of Money At Anti-Israel NGOs, Injuring 30

Flying glass accounted for more than half the injuries.

Tel Aviv, June 20 – Israeli medical crews rushed to treat dozens of far-left-wing activists today for injuries sustained after being hit by sacks of cash indiscriminately flung by the European Commission at those activists’ organizations.

Thirty people were injured, four seriously, when the sacks struck them around midday Monday, with a further eight people being treated for shock. According to police,  the sacks of cash came flying through the air and hit the personnel of the recipient organizations. Seven of the victims required hospitalization, while eight were treated and released, and the remainder treated at the scene.

Tel Aviv District Commissioner Dur Bann told reporters that shortly before noon, European Union representatives in Israel launched four dozen eight-kilo burlap bags of cash toward a random assortment of NGOs whose work involves undermining Israeli legitimacy or impairing the proper application of the rule of law and security maintenance in Israel proper and in Judea and Samaria. The sacks of money crashed through the windows of the organizations’ offices, resulting in flying glass that accounted for more than half the injuries.

“According to witness statements, at this point it appears that the sacks of cash, distributed with little or no regard for their effect, caused mostly glass-related injuries,” said Bann. “We have asked the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to lodge a protest with the European Commission over this incident, but we cannot arrest any suspects at the EU offices, as the personnel there still enjoy diplomatic immunity.”

Paramedic officials said only a few people were injured directly by the flying sacks of cash. “Two persons standing near the window at the Peace Now office suffered skull and neck fractures from the impact of the sack,” said Magen David Adom spokeswoman Faye Spalm. “At more or less the same time, two sacks full of money struck the Breaking the Silence offices. One person’s foot was stuck between the sack and a piece of furniture, and may require amputation.”

A representative of the European Commission in Israel apologized for what he called a misunderstanding. “You Israelis don’t realize what’s in your best interests, unlike we Europeans, who do,” said Volcker Beck. “I am sorry for the injuries, but Jews getting hurt is an acceptable side-effect of European efforts to impose our vision on you. One might even say it is less a side-effect than an intended consequence, but that is neither here nor there. In the future we will refrain from such inefficient delivery methods.” Beck then floated the idea of attaching cash to a Palestinian suicide bomber so it would be flung in the general direction of the recipient organizations when the bomber detonates his explosive belt.

“Also, maybe we should use bills instead of coins,” he added.