EU To Fund New Panthers After Broncos Demolish Them

Commission President Wroclaw Buttinski told reporters the program will be modeled very closely on the prototype activities in Israeli-controlled territory.

Charlotte, February 8 – Following the dismantling of a Carolina Panthers squad by the Denver Broncos on Sunday, the foreign policy arm of the European Union announced that it would fund the reconstruction of the Panthers just as it sponsors the illegal construction of Palestinian buildings in territory left in Israeli control under the 1993 Oslo Accords.

Under the stewardship of quarterback Peyton Manning, the Broncos offense provided enough to maintain a lead they never relinquished once their team’s defense scored the game’s first touchdown. The takedown of vaunted Panthers quarterback Cam Newton and his undefeated regular-season team shocked many fans and analysts, as well as prompting the European Commission to approve funding for new Panthers destroyed in the Broncos assault. The move comes despite American objections to foreign intervention in the country’s affairs, and the Super Bowl constitutes the most American of affairs. National Football League officials expressed opposition.

Commission President Wroclaw Buttinski told reporters the program will be modeled very closely on the prototype activities in Israeli-controlled territory. “There are parts of the territory covered under Oslo that remained under full Israeli civil control, and that is where the Commission underwrites structures put up without the knowledge or consent of the authorities, in clear violation of the law” he explained. “We do this because we have a very specific desire to see Israel relinquish all the territories it took in 1967, no matter how indefensible it renders her, no matter how partial it makes us as a so-called broker and witness to the Oslo agreement, and no matter how much that policy departs from the intent of UN Resolution 242, which we purport to be upholding.”

“Similarly,” continued Buttinski, “we have a very specific vision of which American football teams must succeed, and provide funds for rebuilding accordingly.”

League representatives denounced the decision. “This can only exacerbate the tensions between rivals in this sport,” said Comissioner Roger Goodell. “A decision to come in so prejudicially on the side of one faction is, as we say in the industry, a bad call. And I can say with confidence and some chagrin that our referees already make more than their share of bad calls.”

“We urge the European Union to reconsider this meddling,” he pronounced. “They’re going to face some adverse trade consequences from us if this continues – and I don’t mean relaunching the ill-conceived World League of American Football of the early 1990’s. In fact this decision is an even worse one than the enterprise that gave us that travesty. It’s as if the EU leadership has been absorbing head trauma for years and years, and now suffers impaired faculties and functioning.”

“Wait, strike that, I have a better analogy, I promise,” added Goodell.