Europe Injures Fingers Handwringing Over Antisemitism

Brussels, June 1 – The fatal shooting attack at the Jewish Museum in this Belgian capital has led to additional injuries, as the gestures associated with agonizing over persistent hate have caused Europe to seek treatment for sprains and irritation in its fingers. The injuries may prevent the continent from doing anything about the issue, officials warn.

Europe began high-profile handwringing in the immediate aftermath of the shooting the Saturday before last that left four people dead, an act of terrorism that highlighted the continent’s failures in escaping its millennia-old legacy of targeting Jews. French authorities reported this morning that a suspect fitting the description of the perpetrator was arrested Saturday trying to enter the country, but beyond the token displays of remorse and due process, experts do not foresee a change in government attitudes that might appreciably alter the prevalence of antisemitism, mostly because Europe cannot be expected to implement serious change when it is so busy clasping its fingers together in melodramatic grief.

The shooter, like the one behind the 2012 massacre in Toulouse of five Jews, is apparently a jihadist who was raised in France, bringing to the fore the failure of European society and politics to assimilate cultural forces at odds with modern European multiculturalism. European society has made some efforts to combat the influx of ideologically anti-western and antisemitic immigrants, most notably by electing a European Parliament with the highest share of homegrown bigots in its history. Further action, however, is precluded by those achy fingers.

“The European far right made a strong showing in these elections, though they are a far cry from dominating the body,” noted right-leaning political commentator Philippe Pétain. “It may be all the Continent can muster right now, but our top priority must be to demonstrate that we will not surrender our historic supremacy in antisemitism to a bunch of Muslims.” He added that his ancestors were persecuting Jews in the Roman Empire centuries before Islam existed.

Prominent officials in Paris, Brussels, and beyond professed to be “gobsmacked” by the shooting, and the disorientation that resulted from being gobsmacked has rendered them incapable, at least so far, of mounting a meaningful response to the trends it represents. Belgian leaders called the event a “wake-up call,” to which they said they would react as one normally does to such a call: ignore the ringing for as long as possible, pick up the receiver, slam it down, roll over, and continue to ignore the world.