Europeans Kinda Hoped For Richer African Migrants

“Isn’t Africa teeming with, like, diamonds?”

Credit: Immigrati Lampedusa

Bratislava, Slovakia, August 24 – The influx of refugees and others seeking a better life to the north of the Mediterranean has sparked talk of a crisis in Europe, as hundreds of thousands of African make their way onto the Continent – a crisis that stems partly from the false European hope that people coming from Africa would be wealthier.

European Union members are abound by a law that treats anyone who has set foot on the Continent as protected, and under most circumstances they may not be deported. The law was formulated at a time when far fewer Africans were crossing into Europe, and when the general European perception of Africa involved large numbers of diamonds. The relatively sudden influx of poor, traumatized Africans risking stormy seas, predatory smugglers, pirates, and all the on-land hazards that precede even the first sight of the sea has shocked Europe, which is not prepared to offer sanctuary and welfare to so many people who so obviously can’t pay their own way.

“We know most of the world’s diamonds come from mines in Sub-Saharan Africa, and that the supply on the worldwide gemstone market is kept artificially low to maintain high prices,” said Deb Biers, an immigration attorney in Antwerp. “So isn’t Africa teeming with, like, diamonds? This whole thing makes no sense, just from a statistical standpoint, you know?”

Ms. Biers said a wealthier population of refugees and migrants would have eased its reception in a Europe increasingly hostile to them. “Poor people should really know better than to just show up and expect others to provide for them,” she explained. “Not that Europeans are completely without fault here, especially in terms of the threats of violence and dehumanization going on in some circles, but really, Africans have only themselves to blame for appearing on Europe’s doorstep without bringing anything of real value to show their appreciation.”

Other experts concur. “Islamophobia would be a footnote if these Africans had the sense to be rich,” said demographic researcher Ivana Klaswar. “Rich people moving in don’t threaten people’s jobs the way poor people do. It was really a whopper of a mistake for all those refugees to come without realizing that, or without giving it sufficient weight in their planning.”

“European history is rife with evidence that if you come offering economic advantage, an influx of cash, connections to overseas markets, and determination, there is no limit to what you can achieve, and the place you can secure more or less permanently in European society,” she continued. “Well, I guess unless you’re Jewish. Those people spent 2,000 years in Europe and were never considered European.”