Europeans Stymied By Lack Of Jews To Massacre Over Plague

“All we can do is practice social distancing and increase testing. It’s going to be rough.”

Madrid, March 26 – As coronavirus overwhelms medical systems across the continent, local and national figures have voiced increasing concern that their society’s traditional response to outbreaks of disease will prove impracticable, given the paucity of Jewish communities at hand against which to incite, riot, pogrom, and pillage.

Officials in hard-hit Italy and Spain, as well as in France, Germany, and other European locales, expressed their anxiety over the lack of Jews to massacre, and predicted the low numbers of Jews inhabiting the Continent in the wake of the Holocaust and over a thousand years of other persecutions will short-circuit attempts to address the pandemic by accusing said Jews of poisoning wells or other malign activities that cause the pestilence.

“It’s a major concern,” acknowledged a Madrid City Council member. “We expelled all practicing Jews in the late fifteenth century and continued to persecute those who converted to Christianity in order to stay. A handful of Jews have returned in the last two hundred years, and we have invited more, but there is no Jewish population here of a size significant enough to meet the need our people have to blame someone and hurt that someone when big, inexplicable bad things happen. Before the expulsion we were able to hold occasional massacres of Jews for whatever reason – ‘desecrating the Host’ was a popular one – but we don’t have that option right now, so all we can do is practice social distancing and increase testing. It’s going to be rough.”

A Portuguese official seconded the fear. “We expelled our Jews just five years after Spain did,” she noted. “And a few have come back, but not enough for us to massacre in any effective or demonstrative way. Coronavirus is going to pose a huge challenge to our way of addressing misfortune, if things get as bad here as they have in Italy and Spain.”

German leaders sought to assuage concerns that the German-led effort to exterminate the Jews of Europe before and during World War Two has rendered the continent bereft of one of its most convenient and venerable approaches to adversity. “It might not carry the same direct, visceral appeal, but we still have Israel to blame for everything,” stated a Bavarian official. “I know it’s not the same thing. But we have to acknowledge reality – it’s not feasible for us. Instead we will simply have to enable and encourage Israel’s enemies to perpetrate the massacres we had become accustomed to performing ourselves.”

“In that respect, at least we’ll have some semblance of business as usual.”

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