Excuse Me, Are You A Gentile? Have You Put On Invalid T’fillin Today?

by Mendy Katz, Chabad shaliach

New York, December 28 – Sir, excuse me, are you a non-Jew? Yes? Would you care to don a set of phylacteries that would not meet the requirements of the commandment incumbent only on Jewish adult males?

Oh, it would only take a minute or two, I guess a bit longer if you wish to recite passages of some sort. If it were a valid set of t’fillin, and a Jew were wearing them, there would be a benediction right before putting on each one, and a recitation of the passages from the Pentateuch that mention the t’fillin. But you’d be free to recite whatever you want, I suppose. I have a driver’s license in my wallet. You could read that.

That’s fine, sir, you have a good day, now!

How about you, sir? Are you a goy? Yes? Great! If you’d like to put on same pasul – that’s a Hebrew word for invalid – t’fillin?

No, I’m not asking for contributions! This is all about enabling people to approach God. Are you interested? You sure you’re not a Jew? Because I have different sets if you’re a Jew. Rashi AND Rabbeinu Tam.

No, t’fillin, then, OK. Piece of pork? Put on a garment with wool and linen fibers intertwined? Can I offer you some untithed produce? Don’t forget not to recite a b’rakha before and after you eat it!

If none of that appeals to you, perhaps you’d like not to redeem your first-born son? The requirements for this one are pretty strict, though. For a Jew, neither parents can come from the tribe of Levi, it has to be the mother’s first pregnancy, and a natural delivery. I suppose you could just redeem any of your kids, or someone else’s, if not-fulfilling a mitzva is your goal. No need to specifically not fulfill one that is incumbent on Jews.

Then there’s taking false vows. I can’t think of any offhand, but if you’re not Jewish, that’s something you can do. I can also suggest coveting – that’s not one of the seven commandments non-Jew are required to keep. That applies to someone’s house, spouse, possessions, whatever. I don’t much here on hand that’s probably worth coveting, but there re literally hundreds of people on the streets around us. One of them has to have a nice watch, a beautiful suit. Knock yourself out.

Come back during the Jewish holiday of Sukkot and you can wave a disqualified palm branch, as well! It’ll be dry as a bone, I promise!

Ma’am, are you a gentile? Is this your husband? Excellent! Pardon the intrusion, but… is it that time of the month…?

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