Excuse Me Mr. ISIS Jail Guard, But I Only Eat Gluten-Free

By Prisoner 3445509

Yoo hoo! Excuse me! Mr. guard? Over here, yes, the second cell from the end. Thank you for these rations. They look nourishing. But you know, I avoid gluten. Would it be possible to get something not made of grain? Thanks!

Listen, I know you’re a busy man, and this might not be something you, personally, can change, but is the meat in this food from free-range animals? I only eat grass-fed beef – when I eat beef at all, because, you know, they do horrible things to those animals, and I wouldn’t want my food to be the product of such horrific treatment. Pure cruelty, if you ask me. I’m sure you understand my concerns here.

It’s obviously not pork – I know better than that – to think a loyal citizen of the Islamic State would be handling pork! No, I’m well aware of the sensitivity you have, and how much you want to avoid supporting an enterprise that treats the living things in its charge with no consideration for their comfort, happiness, or social needs. That’s why I thought maybe you could also arrange to provide some alternative protein source, something that doesn’t involve beheading or dismembering a living creature. Quinoa, for example.

Or soy. A moderate amount of soy would be a fine source of protein, but you shouldn’t overdo it, because that would wreak havoc with the endocrine system, and the estrogen balance would get all out of wack after a while. Havoc is probably the last thing you want on your hands.

Goat or sheep would probably be fine, too, but you really have to make sure they’re from herds that genuinely graze, and aren’t pumped full of antibiotics. Don’t you just hate when creatures are forced to live a certain way because the society insists on shaping those creatures to its will, and not just accepting that we were all created with different needs and desires?

Like the whole use of pesticides. Isn’t it horrible? Farmers, encouraged by the powers that be, just massacre countless, helpless creatures that are just trying to live their lives the only way they’ve ever known how. We’re promised the result will be a better, more prosperous, happier society in the end, but I’m not seeing that, are you, Mr. guard?

While I have your attention, can we talk about these orange clothes? I hope the dye manufacturing process didn’t involve the needless deaths of thousands of insects. Nothing to lose your head over, I just much prefer to know I’m not indirectly exploiting anyone. Animals are people too, after all. We have to treat people and animals the same way – I think we’ve established that you and I and your organization see eye to eye on that.

Oh, there’s no rush. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to take care of my special request once I come back from that empty field they’re marching me toward. Remember, no cruelty to animals!