Experts: Israelites Asked For Meat Because Didn’t Know About Pizza

Only with that understanding, say the investigators, can one adequately account for their utter failure to request what is manifestly the finest non-miraculous food in existence.

Kivrot HaTaava, June 16 – Analysts reviewing the recent behavior of the Israelites in the wilderness have concluded that he only reason the nation would have asked specifically for meat is that they had never encountered pizza and were therefore unaware of its superiority to every other foodstuff, including meat.

A group of experts following developments of the Israelite nation after their exodus from slavery in Egypt has determined, based on analysis of forensic evidence and the recorded words of the Israelites themselves, that the only explanation for not asking for pizza is complete lack of awareness that such a thing as pizza exists. Only with that understanding, say the investigators, can one adequately account for their utter failure to request what is manifestly the finest non-miraculous food in existence.

“I would say that pizza actually crosses over into the realm of the miraculous, but that’s a subjective point,” allowed lead investigator Domino Hutt. “In any case, it is clear from the list of foods the Israelites complained about not having that they valued the flavor, complexity, and richness that only pizza provides, and would have demanded it had they but known of it.”

“Take the initial food they mention, fish they would eat free,” he explained. “It is manifestly clear that these people would love anchovies and free delivery, which are intimately associated with pizza. Garlic and onion, as well, make the list, and those are essential to pizza, whether in the sauce, crust, or as distinct toppings. ” The other items – leeks, melons, and cucumbers – are enhanced by the presence of pizza, though generally are not used to enhance pizza itself, though, one could argue, contends Hutt, that leeks can be substituted for at least some of the onions in some versions of pizza sauce.

Other experts seconded Hutt’s analysis. “Many people would also see the meat they demanded as compatible with pizza,” added Moe Tzarella. “And since they were feeling rebellious, given the context of the demand, it wouldn’t surprise me if they would specifically go for some quail pepperoni or sausage on their pizza, given the chance, despite the inherent violation of cooking meat and dairy together.”

Israelite openness to pizza can also be inferred from earlier episodes in the nation’s history, say observers. Hutt pointed to the similarity between the unleavened cakes the Israelites prepared and ate on their hurried way out of Egyptian servitude and pizza crust. Tzarella noted a much earlier indication, saying that the flour Abraham instructed Sarah to use in baking for the three angelic men who heralded Isaac’s birth would do well in pizza, and that, in the absence of mozzarella cheese, it was clear that Abraham was trying to do his culinary best with butter.