Fall Sessions In Doubt, School Shooter Forced To Plan House-By-House Route

“I need a Plan A and a Plan, B,” muttered the bullying victim and introvert son of a single mother.

Caldwell, NJ, July 13 – A troubled adolescent who intends to massacre students, faculty, staff, and anyone who tries to stop him now faces complications in his scheme as a result of uncertainty over whether the fall semester will take place amid new surges in coronavirus cases. As a result, sources close to the teen report, he must develop a contingency plan in case circumstances require him to move from residence to residence instead of conducting the mass shooting he has in mind all in one location.

Gregg Matheson, 15, scrambled to adjust his setup and arrangements for the assault-rifle-and-other-firearms mass shooting he had slated for the early part of this coming September, when high school will resume – unless state officials follow through with their tentative intention not to open public educational institutions. The firearms and military tactics enthusiast must now adapt his straightforward approach to include numerous stops at individual homes to achieve the same death toll and public statement that, in the context of a school building, would demand less advance attention.

“I need a Plan A and a Plan, B,” muttered the bullying victim and introvert son of a single mother. “If school doesn’t open as usual after Labor Day, I might have to delay this demonstration of my pent-up rage by at least a week. I need to set up the logistics of getting from house to house, and to allow for the possibility that someone might try to interrupt me earlier in the process than would happen if I opened fire in only one place. This could put a serious damper on the feasibility of the whole thing.”

“That’s intensely frustrating,” he continued, “and the only way I know to unleash my frustration is to blow people away. It’s kind of unfair that way – the more they dither and render my plans impracticable, the greater the stifling of my essence, the greater the thwarting of my greatness and my powerful statement, which in turn only feeds my frustration, which means I’m going to have to come up with an even bigger, more impressive way to do this, possibly involving explosives, poison gas, or whatever. It has to be huge. It has to make a lasting impact, not just in terms of the number of corpses – who cares whether it’s thirty, or only like, eighteen, you know? Past a certain point I’ve made my point. No, the goal here is to prove all those bastards wrong, the ones who think I’ll never amount to anything.”

“Starting with that Jew-girl next door. She’s not even in my school, but that’s no excuse when it comes to Jews.”

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