Falling Rial Prompts Iran To Adopt Israeli Shekel To Stabilize Currency

“Our Palestinian proxies already have amassed great quantities of it. We just need to siphon all that back.”

Tehran, February 12 – Leaders of the Islamic Republic decided today to take drastic measures to halt the the spiraling value of the country’s currency today, with a decision to replace the rial with the New Israeli Shekel in the hopes of insulating the economy from the disastrous inflation that has resulted from the regime’s backfiring regional imperialism.

Minister of Finance Abdolnaser Hemmati announced Wednesday morning that Iran will make a gradual changeover to the Israeli shekel, a far stabler currency than the Iranian rial, which has lost more than ninety percent of its value against the US dollar in the last ten years. As of earlier this week, one US dollar fetched 913,000 rials. The shekel – officially called the New Israeli Shekel since the 1980’s – has remained within a narrow range of between three and and four shekels per dollar for more than twenty years, thanks in large part to wise economic stewardship and the confidence investors have in a stable democratic system – characteristics Iran could never boast.

An aside to Minister Hemmati disclosed that the choice, as distasteful as it may seem from an ideological standpoint, makes immense pragmatic sense. “Adopting the actual US dollar would be a surrender to American imperialism,” he explained. “We could never take such a shameful step. But we do need a currency with strength and stability – what the shekel offers that, say, the euro or some other prominent currency does not, is that our Palestinian proxiesalready have amassed great quantities of it. We just need to siphon all that back into our coffers, perhaps via Qatar, just in reverse, and Mustafa’s your uncle.”

Analysts noted that despite the reluctance with which the regime itself may have approached the issue, the people of Iran are likely to harbor no such reservations. “The people of Iran, as a rule, love Israel,” observed columnist Shiza Renbo. “It’s the mullahs who pump out the antisemitism dressed up as anti-Zionism. Jews have been an important presence in what’s now Iran for two and a half thousand years. Before the Ayatollahs, Israel and Iran were allies – and their people liked one another. Persian fondness for Jews translates almost automatically into support for Israel. They’d toss the currency with Khomeini’s mug all over it in an instant. All the more so if it’s the currency of the Jewish state.”

A spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu declined to comment on whether the entire phenomenon stems from a rumored psyop to take over Iran.

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