FIFA: Israelis Forced To Continue Playing, Watching Football

Israelis will continue to be subjected to fans pathetically referring to their favorite team as “we.”

Tel Aviv, June 4 – Palestinian withdrawal last week of a FIFA resolution to expel Israel from membership in the international organization means Israelis will continue to face the horrors associated with participating in and observing international soccer competitions.

Palestinian delegation head Jibril Rajoub removed his proposed resolution from a general vote last Friday, infuriating Palestinians and their allies the world over and providing a sense of relief to Israel, which dodged a diplomatic bullet. Only subsequently did the country realize that continued membership in FIFA’s governing body all but guarantees that they will have to watch match after match of dull, pointless activity, and that some of the society’s most capable, athletic individuals will waste their time preparing for, and taking part in, a game that common sense would limit to children under the age of seven.

Israeli society was heard to groan this morning at the prospect of again listening to detailed commentary concerning the manner in which players functioning as garishly attired walking advertisements outmaneuver one another to send a polyurethane- or PVC-covered inflated rubber bladder into an upright net. Worse, say analysts, Israelis will continue to be subjected to fans referring to their favorite team as “we,” invoking the laughable implication that the speaker has made even the most minute discernible contribution to whatever achievement is under discussion.

“Diplomatically and politically Israel got some breathing room, though it appears the resolution as originally worded wouldn’t have garnered enough votes to be adopted,” said M. Bezzler. who writes about FIFA. “But that tactical achievement – I hesitate to call it a victory – comes at a tremendous emotional and psychological cost. I don’t just mean the crushing frustration of watching a club with which one identifies perpetually underachieve, or fail to maintain consistent success – or just plain suck, both on the pitch and in the stands, in the case of Beitar Jerusalem.”

“I’m also talking about walking around with the knowledge that countless fellow citizens voluntarily and repeatedly pay good money to watch, even physically attend, games,” he continued, “and that a hefty percentage of those citizens even buy apparel and other merchandise specifically to display loyalty to what is, essentially, an uncaring corporation that uses their emotions and sense of belonging as a tool to soak them for money.”

Indeed, in bars and pubs across the country Thursday evening, Israelis could be seen attempting to cope with continued exposure to soccer by dulling their senses with alcoholic beverages. “Everyone who comes in here when a game is on buys at least two beers,” noted the bartender at Bentzi’s, a sports bar in Holon. “While I appreciate the business, it would be better for everyone if as a society we didn’t have to deal with this crap.”