First Plague Proving Ineffective Against Egyptian Vampires

Israelite leaders Moses and Aaron have yet to comment on the vampires.

Memphis, ancient Egypt, April 19 – Observers of the Plague of Blood wrought against the Egyptian Empire are reporting that among the population affected by the calamity, vampires are apparently weathering it quite well.

Witnesses attested that the plague, which has lasted three days so far and turned all potable water in Egyptian hands to blood, has had little direct impact on vampires, though their families and non-vampire associates appear to be suffering to the same degree as the rest of the population. Israelite leaders Moses and Aaron have yet to comment on the vampires.

Early Sunday morning, Moses instructed his brother Aaron to raise his staff over the Nile. The latter did so, and the river rapidly transformed into blood. As a result of the transformation, all the fish in the river soon died, causing the countryside to stink. In addition to the water of the Nile itself, other water possessed by Egyptians similarly transformed, and the populace has been forced to purchase the substance from Israelites, whose water supply has miraculously not been affected. However, the small portion of Egypt that relies on blood itself for sustenance has welcomed the development.

“Vunderful,” said one vampire, when asked how the situation was treating him. “I vish I could say the same for my fellow Egyptians, but I am doing very vell.”

“Vell,” he added, with a chuckle. “Get it? As in a source of vater? Ha ha ha!”

Egyptian sorcerers were able to replicate the miracle with water purchased from the Israelites – if stolen, the liquid would also transform into blood – but have not been able to figure out how to reverse it, or how long the plague will last. Israelite leaders have been silent on the plague so far, a move that experts attribute to uncertainty over how that will affect Egyptian treatment of them.

“Once things get back to normal the enslaved Israelites are going to suffer one way or another,” explained Hirsalittletep, who writes about sociopolitical issues in the The Pyramid. “The last time Moses and Aaron agitated for concessions, Pharaoh made the slaves work even harder. It’s perfectly understandable why they might want to lie as low as possible so as not to make the inevitable backlash even worse.”

Palace officials expressed confidence that the situation would soon be under control. “This is nothing the mighty Pharaoh can’t handle,” insisted royal spokesman Phlebes. “In fact, to demonstrate his certainty, His Highness plans to dine on a delicacy of Nile frog all next week.”