Football Association Threatens To Disband League As If That A Bad Thing

“We’re talking a waste of time, money, and energy, at best, and full-blown violence-inducing idolatry at worst.”

Jerusalem, August 31 – Tensions increased between Minister of Economic Affairs Arye Deri and the Israeli Football Association today as the Association threatened to shut down all organized leagues in the country if the minister did not grant them a waiver to hold their games on Shabbat, as if such a shutdown would be a bad thing.

Owing to Israel’s Jewish character, the law mandates that employers obtain specific approval before requiring employees to work on Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath. Traditionally, the week’s major games have nevertheless been played on Shabbat, to allow fans to use their day of rest to attend or watch games. Two weeks ago, a Labor Courts judge ruled that teams could not force their players to play on Shabbat, since the Association had never obtained the necessary waiver that would exempt them from the law’s provisions. Fearing that Deri, whose religious Shas Party views such violations of the Sabbath as a social ill, would not grant the permit, the Association threatened to call a strike of the various leagues if such a permit is not granted by this Wednesday, apparently assuming that such a turn of events could only be construed negatively.

Experts expressed bewilderment that anyone might think getting rid of professional soccer games on such a scale could be bad. “We’re talking a waste of time, money, and energy, at best, and full-blown violence-inducing idolatry at worst,” said analyst Arthur Facepalm. “This could be just the opening the government needs to engineer a major societal overhaul. People will be upset at first, as they are with any change, but eventually they’ll realize they can do just fine without it, and in the meantime they’ll save their resources for other, more worthy, pursuits. I don’t have any specific recommendations in that regard, but anything’s got to be better than football. God, what an awful pastime. Ninety minutes of drudgery and fake injuries punctuated by occasional mild excitement. Please.”

Other analysts see calculated reasoning behind the threat. “It looks to me like a crazy-like-a-fox maneuver,” said commentator Parr Hessya. “I can only assume they’re hoping Deri will be loath to get on the wrong side of people who are even willing to harm their own interests to get what they’re asking for.” She noted that the same tactic has been employed for years by Palestinian negotiators and leaders, who periodically threaten to disband the Palestinian Authority – thus negating their own vested interests and positions in that entity.

Fans reacted negatively to the development. “If I can’t yell insults at the players I love-hate, what kind of a weekend is that?” asked Beitar Jerusalem loyalist Gizan Aflaya. “There’s no better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than enriching some owner who will never reward my devotion with anything useful, and maybe throwing things onto the field if my team is playing a bunch of Arabs.”