Friends, Family Members Of Vegans Exempted From Yom Kippur Fast

The practice of not wearing leather shoes on Yom Kippur carries an increased risk of triggering a nearby vegan’s compulsion to mention or discuss his or her diet.

Moldy pasta and sprouts, presumably, which is what vegans so virtuously eat, unlike the rest of us, who are obviously moral troglodytes with no conscience. (Photo credit: Lablascovegmenu)

Jerusalem, September 22 – When this evening ushers in the most solemn day on the Jewish calendar, while perhaps millions of Jews will begin abstaining from food and drink for a full day, those who must constantly interact with vegans have been granted a dispensation not to fast, as they will already be undergoing sufficient affliction in that capacity.

The source for fasting on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is in the book of Leviticus, where the text requires Jews to “afflict yourselves,” a commandment that has always been understood as a reference to fasting. However, Rabbinical authorities agree that affliction can be achieved in other ways. Historically the accomplishment of Yom Kippur affliction has been extended by Rabbinic edict to include anointing the skin, bathing, wearing leather shoes, and sexual relations. In recent years, however, with the increase in the vegan population and the number of people forced to interact with them, religious authorities have weighed in saying that the ordeal of hearing vegans pontificate is enough to discharge one’s obligation on both Biblical and Rabbinic levels.

David Lau, Israel’s Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi, explained that the vegan tendency to inform anyone present, at any opportunity, that he or she does not consume animal products, subjects listeners to anxiety and awkwardness that more than fulfill the Rabbinic physical discomfort requirements of Yom Kippur. “The Talmud makes clear that the verse does not mean one must look for ways to afflict oneself physically beyond fasting, such as placing rocks in one’s shoes, or self-flagellation,” he said in an interview. “However, the experience of being in the constant company of someone inclined to frequent broadcasts of his or her virtue, and by direct implication, the listener’s moral degradation by comparison, accomplishes what abstention from those five basic physical pleasures does, and perhaps more.”

Rabbi Lau elaborated by noting that the mandated afflictions are meant to foster a sense of existential vulnerability and express a desire to overcome the physicality at the root of our shortcomings. “The sense of vulnerability is heightened when we do not eat or drink, but as a driver of repentance, that’s nothing compared to the existential self-loathing born of being regularly exposed to the high-octane smugness of the vegan,” he said. “Alternatively, the listener has to deal with a lengthy justification by the vegan why he or she avoids animal products but it’s not a question of animal rights, it’s just that they feel so much better when they don’t eat it, blah, blah, blah. It’s basically torture is what I’m saying.”

He also noted that the practice of not wearing leather shoes on Yom Kippur carries an increased risk of triggering a nearby vegan’s compulsion to mention or discuss his or her veganism, and that places the sanity and health of the friend or relative at risk. “Rabbinic decrees were generally never intended to apply where they would impose undue hardship or distress,” said Rabbi Lau.

Sephardic Chief Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef said he had never encountered the phenomenon in his community, but expressed horror at it, and supported Rabbi Lau’s reasoning.