Frummer-Than-Thou Man Ends Twelve-Day Hanukkah Observance

“Even going all the way to eleven has become cliché, thanks to pop culture. So I have to go beyond that.”

Jerusalem, December 22 – A self-described “spiritual overachiever” in this city of almost 900,000 marked the final evening yesterday of his twelve-day celebration of the eight-day Festival of Lights, having lit a total of ninety candles, as compared to the paltry total of forty-five that most people reach during the festival.

Mashvitz Topper, 42, told reporters today that his Hanukkah ends Tuesday night, whereas the standard observance of the holiday concluded this past Friday evening. Mr. Topper explained that his ritual incorporates stringencies and expansions of the classic ceremonies, in keeping with his tendency to outdo others in the publicly-visible aspects of Jewish observance.

“There are already three levels of Hanukkah lighting recorded in the Talmud,” he noted, referring to a passage in Tractate Shabbat. “The basic commandment in those ancient sources is a single flame per household. Then there’s what’s called m’hadrin, which is basically Aramaic for people who want to do better than basic. But then there’s even a third level, m’hadrin min ham’hadrin, which has now become standard. Outside learned populations, most Jews don’t even know that. And that’s part of what motivates me to add this, and other, levels of observance. I don’t limit it to eight days; I go all the way to twelve. Even going all the way to eleven has become cliché, thanks to pop culture. So I have to go beyond that. Twelve it is.”

Topper noted other aspects of “extra” Hanukkah observance that have become part of the core ritual over time. “The whole institution of the ‘shamash,’ the additional candle that’s not part of the ‘official’ count, has solidified into a fixed, expected element of Hanukkah lighting. It’s no longer a total of thirty-six candles over eight days, but forty-four, one additional one for each night. It started as a way to avoid ‘using’ the Hanukkah light for mundane chores, so a separate flame sits there for such purposes, but now it’s like the black hat in yeshivish communities: it’s not for keeping the head dry or warm, but part of a uniform, and now there are special large-hooded coats to shield the expensive hats from God forbid encountering the elements from which, once upon a time, hats were supposed to shield us. Me, I own two such coats, the second one to protect the first.”

Topper dismissed concerns that his augmentation of the ritual violates principles governing unauthorized additions to established practice. “Why, what’s the problem?” he challenged. “Will it lead to mixed dancing?”

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