Gaza Man Confused By Distribution Of Candy Not Related To Death Of Jews

“Is that even legal?” he wondered.

Khan Yunis, March 18 – A resident of this Hamas-governed coastal territory expressed puzzlement today upon encountering others giving out sweets unconnected to the murder of Jews.

Hulwayat Q’util, 30, voiced his confusion Monday morning after seeing a group of schoolchildren stopping random passers-by to provide the strangers with pastries, candies, chocolates, and other sugary treats. The unemployed father of three told a reporter he ran over to the group to share in the thrill of news that other Palestinians had killed Jews, only to discover that the distribution of the sweets bore no connection to any such incident; it constituted a school project to encourage good cheer among the town’s residents, with no overt political message. Q’util admitted becoming both bewildered and shaken at the development.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” he disclosed. “This is just… weird.”

Yesterday brought sights familiar to Q’util and other Palestinians: fatal stabbing and shooting attacks by Palestinians against Israelis near the community of Ariel prompted Palestinians in Gaza and elsewhere to break out the sweets in celebration. The sight today of another such candy-related event caused Q’util excitement at the prospect of further Jewish blood spilled, only to crush his hopes and shatter his assumptions with the reality that some Gazans might engage in sharing good cheer and good food not in celebration of murdered Jews.

“Is that even legal?” he wondered. “I mean, would anyone have even thought to make it illegal? As far as I know there’s no law either against selling the flesh of space aliens, because who would even think it necessary? I’m flummoxed.”

The implications of the discovery have upended some of Mr. Q’util’s assumptions about the world. “This is just an initial reaction here, but what if there are other things than can happen without a dead-Jew connection?” he wondered aloud. “Like, what if the weather isn’t Zionist-controlled, but just kind of happens? What if construction equipment and materials were used to build housing, or infrastructure that wasn’t specifically geared toward provoking or facilitating a fight with Israel? The ramifications of this are staggering, if I’m understanding this correctly. I need to sit down and think about this.”

Analysts predicted that Mr. Q’util’s conundrum would not last. “Just give it a few days, a few weeks tops,” remarked Knaffe al-Dam. “Hamas and its allied violent groups are planning any number of further attacks on Jews, so this outlier will be drowned out by the typical celebratory sweets and he’ll forget all about it.”

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