Gazan Shot At By Hamas For Trying To Get Food Really Thrilled You’re Boycotting Starbucks

“I assume the noble souls refraining from overpriced bean water know what they’re doing, and I thank them for it.”

Rafah, Southern Gaza Strip, January 2 – A resident of this battered coastal territory voiced his relief and gratitude today upon hearing that while he must brave gunfire from Islamist regime thugs to secure basic necessities that the international community has sent, you, at least, have extended crucial assistance in the form of refusing to patronize a retail coffee chain with no clear connection to the conflict between the Islamists and Israel.

Abdel Aziz Shukri, 44, expressed appreciation this morning for your valiant support of his struggle to survive amid the theft of critical supplies such as food, drinking water, cooking gas, and basic medical and hygiene supplies by Hamas fighters. In particular, Shukri noted your determination to fight for Palestinian protection through the tried and true method of boycotting Starbucks, a company that has zero representation or business in Israel, the country you blame for Shukri’s suffering and that has allowed those supplies into the Gaza Strip where Hamas steals them and shoots at anyone who tries to stop the theft.

“It’s heartening to know there are people who have my back, even if they’re far away,” the father of seven gushed, absently rubbing his forearm where a Hamas bullet grazed him when he climbed aboard a supply truck to grab some flour before Hamas men could drive it away and hide it in their underground bunker network. “I’m no expert on international relations or economics, but I assume the noble souls refraining from overpriced bean water know what they’re doing, and I thank them for it.”

Experts remain baffled by the widespread activism ostensibly aiming to help Gaza Palestinians, including graffiti on the Lincoln memorial, the harassment of commuters and shoppers, and attacks on random Jews around the world, but, in their humility, allowed that perhaps the morally superior activists engaging in those activities had access to levels of revelation and information that made the connection between their operations and the victims of Hamas’s weaponization of Palestinian suffering clearer.

“I’d never have thought to relieve Palestinian suffering by boycotting Coca Cola or Zara,” acknowledged Yudu Yu of the Rand Corporation. “That might just be because I’m not privy to things that people who can’t identify which river and which sea are meant in ‘From The River To The Sea’ do know.”

“I don’t drink Starbucks anyway because I don’t see the point of spending my precious money on mediocrity,” he explained. “I’m thinking I can help the people of Gaza by shouting slogans at Jews, though. That ought to do it.”

Please support our work through Patreon.
Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL